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life is killing me
Thursday, 28 October 2021
hello howlow

it again has been a minute or two

dont know how long its been since i refund my way into this space

still holding onto memories of a different headspace

the dark lingers in me

i think ill have a hard time sleeping w/zero meds as i have to be at work at 3am

means id have to take them in 2hrs which i think 🤔 isnt going to happen

ill begin a new fast


lack of control by no one in particular at 5:14 PM PDT
Friday, 26 March 2021
is my pain always there in hiding in plain sight?
Mood:  down
Now Playing: MeST - Photographs

standing out in the cold. cant say that im "feeling" bad for myself, because im not. 😔 i just can't fight the lack of urge to do anything productive. i havent felt myself slipping this way for a little bit, well, not since before starting another medication. on the plus side my blood pressure has dropped, i normally feel nothing ... on the downside, i havent the issue of weight gain other than a tummy bloat and wanting to eat EVERYTHING. 

started listening to a set of music that sounds comforting, especially in my new ear buds. they sound (the music)  better than i remembered for sure, i hear so much more in sound depth.

 okay, so im feeling down, want more jack daniels, need a job, to be hated less and get off these damn meds. to be honest, missing me. the highs and lows. the unfeeling detached newer version of me SUCKS. 


lack of control by no one in particular at 7:14 PM PDT
Wednesday, 24 March 2021

5.5 weeks without a job.

mostly empty bottle of jack.

no desires not of the dark.

ate and now regretting it.

stomachs a mess.

awaiting 2 types of payments.

awaiting a referral.

complementing shaving.

need to exercise 😫

didn't want to wake this morning.

need more jack daniels.

taking less of my meds.

wondering 😔 what's the point. 

lack of control by no one in particular at 1:45 PM PDT
Updated: Wednesday, 24 March 2021 1:46 PM PDT
Monday, 15 March 2021
going deep
Now Playing: Ashes to New - Scars that I'm hiding

this song 🎵 just pushed out a, maybe, forgotten 🤔😕 memory. am i the only one who has this happen? i  would like to think no.

it wouldn't mean our brainwaves are linked, only a similarities of existence happens. in june this blog will be 18 years old. june 11th to be exact. 

 ok, so the memory deep dig. that doggy ran backwards and laughed at me... chuckling all the way into the dark. my friends saw this doggy but not the version i did. no sounds to be specific and it was actually coming towards us. i was 15 and losing myself further into hard liquor, vodka 1st, then whiskey... got them off a friend who was only looking for companionship entering high school... we bought them off his dad's VERY stocked liquor room. 

so, that doggy was my 1st break. the other was my lost appetite and ability to easily regurgitate anything I attempted to eat or drink, then immediately regret ... except for the alcohol, of course. my parents we getting divorced and my ability to handle that, watching over my young to much younger siblings (only 2, 4, 12)  go to school then got a under the table job, 2 to be specific, had me on a early crash and no acknowledgement on my developing mental issues... found that out when i was 21, much to the usher after an ex pushed my to get help.

 back to 15. alot of that time sprang back with this song. there are still many scars i must be hiding. i  have black out periods now, time i lose 😔 that gets blamed on my "ignoring" and "not listening" to people. i  am not good in talk therapy, tried it many times. i tend to get worse. i suppose i am that broken... i do tend to write better than i talk and regret what i write less.

oh, about my memory loss or scars that i subconsciously hide.. from say 4 or 5 starts through now. i  can recall somethings and then hear a song or see something that triggers something... no one gets how i then come up with a memory or how i got there.

that's all i have. the thoughts have passed, lost until another time.


until next time, im back to being useless 

lack of control by no one in particular at 3:19 PM PDT
Sunday, 7 March 2021
from another
Mood:  not sure

if i am not to be discussed or ever seen, use this as a memory. faded and bruised. remember i was the one that held held you when you were lost and alone. when the dark consumed you and the world felt so small.  the waves washed over you,  the dawn frightened you. direction wasn't all that clear and yet,  we made it. a bottle. a can of coke. ice and that warm yet cool glass. want to play a game. we will get stuck in a time that only i could have reserved space for... yet no matter how you might try... you can't change, zig or zag. nothing you had, will ever be. there is a ledge, i found it for you.  you stepped back... im still here though.  beneath it all.


it's fun to reflect at the world you were never really in control of... or will ever be. 


sweet dreams... see you there... these pills won't work forever

lack of control by no one in particular at 1:44 AM PST
Tuesday, 2 March 2021
... this system is about to break...
Mood:  down

into my 3rd week of being fired from a job i 💜🖤💜d

cant believe this has happened to me again. i  am still on my meds. 400mg of seroquel which is good for sleep 💤😴🤔 but seems to be losing me throughout 😕 the day. 

also... i now look at my shadow as not that at all... rather it's just the other side of me, the dark side that lingers and when the sun goes down it doesn't go away but takes over and again we become one. 

lack of control by no one in particular at 5:39 PM PST
Monday, 8 February 2021
you cannot put out the 🔥 burns in me
hello. again.
i have decided after I dunno how long... i forget..
to stop my meds.
my difficult 😕😫 relationship, currently...of almost 14 years...

"i fucking hate you,  i hate you so much. im sick of taking care of you. do your own shit! im not your mother" sscreamed and excellerated the car

im done taking pills 💊 to hide my face.. again.
+ side.. i instantly can't sleep 😕

lack of control by no one in particular at 9:15 AM PST
Updated: Monday, 8 February 2021 9:16 AM PST
Thursday, 31 December 2020
happy new year. goodbye 2020. wait, what's happening?

so... it's about to be 2021.

now let me assess the situation of my life up to this point.

you see, i am amazed i even made it here, seriously.

it's been a bumpy road, filled with much...

so, here's some stuff in a nutshell 🤔

i have 4 children, all girls

19, 17, 13, 5

the 19 & 17 are estranged for some 3-7 years because, well, their mother allowed , i'd say, even encouraged it

13 & 5 live with me

i've dropped over 100lbs after ballooning 🎈up to 275

i have apparently 😕 lost most of me to my medication 💊 OR ...this is who i am. Usually void of any emotion.

lack of control by no one in particular at 8:56 PM PST
Tuesday, 29 December 2020
i wish there was a way to fall into the sounds
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: Zero 7 - simple things - destiny
Topic: sounds like it was for me



what can i say...

you took me on a trip this day,

i found this in a store and dreamt of things once more,

sitting on the ground, hollowed were the sounds, of once spoken no more

i still recall the chill, of one who's fate i killed

still wallowing like the till, who sows his oath in pills


what can i say... 


lack of control by no one in particular at 1:18 AM PST
Thursday, 17 December 2020
when mem0rieS coM3 flo0ding back in aGaIn...
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: Depeche Mode - Song of faith and devotion
Topic: the things i love
In your room
Where time stands still
Or moves at your will
Will you let the morning come soon
Or will you leave me lying here
In your favourite darkness
Your favourite half-light
Your favourite consciousness
Your favourite slave...

 Hanging on your words

Living on your breath
Feeling with your skin

Will I always be here

Will I always be here...

lack of control by no one in particular at 7:05 PM PST
Updated: Thursday, 17 December 2020 7:53 PM PST
Wednesday, 16 December 2020
fAcebo0k m3moriee... fr0m 10 yEArS a-go-go
Topic: the artist within?

"Begininng early werk on the BLAH 7 tomorrow. Backstory and description being formulated. I plan to make this series into posters."

i posted this to fAcebo0k december 16th, 2o1o. i found a scribble idea for it. like most everything else I attempted to plan, nothing ever came of it. was self employed at the time... 

shall i  attempt to breathe new? life into an old idea?  


lack of control by no one in particular at 10:42 AM PST
Tuesday, 15 December 2020

i  am not a female,


it still rings true.

suppose its a perk of being bipolar...

even the medication can't cover all that is me


lack of control by no one in particular at 8:13 PM PST
Updated: Tuesday, 15 December 2020 8:15 PM PST


lack of control by no one in particular at 7:46 PM PST


lack of control by no one in particular at 7:04 PM PST
Sunday, 13 December 2020

i tried to break out but i cant break through

i try just to die though it seems untrue

no more can i confide when there is nothing new

subscribed to the lie now its all come true


still here waiting

still here waiting

stuck anticipating

yet im still here waiting


destination and so unclean you cant see through


still here..... 

lack of control by no one in particular at 1:18 AM PST
Sunday, 6 December 2020

Topic: cryptic writings



deep and dark...


... silence will ring now more...

i sleep, in deep, i dream


the fantasy of not. not is of no consequence.

other worldly endeavors, so quaint

chains rattled and a pop of wine? no. whine.



teeth chatter... nothing to see here

then maybe again...



lack of control by no one in particular at 11:39 PM PST
Updated: Sunday, 6 December 2020 11:42 PM PST
Saturday, 5 December 2020
went to target twice this week...
Topic: the crap i buy

4 bangs

3 adrenaline shoc

2 gallons Arrowhead water

2 quest protien bars and 1 protein cookie packs

2 pints killer creamery keto ice cream

3 cartons of strawberries

3 wrapping papers

1 wrapping paper case

Leather punch

Vinyl for the cricut

5 ornaments


lack of control by no one in particular at 6:31 PM PST
Updated: Saturday, 5 December 2020 6:32 PM PST
the sour taste of no regrets
Mood:  lyrical

i'm gonna put a hole in my head.

just to silence the voices that pull me to bed

i'm gonna find a way to survive.

if the hole doesn't happen they'll eat me alive

time didn't give me a chance

i peeled it away just to see whats inside

there's nothing to cover me up

when i find my way to the hole who gives a fuck.... 

lack of control by no one in particular at 6:25 PM PST
Friday, 4 December 2020
why bother
Mood:  down
Topic: the artist within?

if i could find a way to make you stay

would you be with me till the end of days

to see inside of my wicked mind

plays tricks on me like i'm dead inside

but you could come play with my friends

they are with me aways to the bitter end

can't see them now they always hide

they whisper things like i'm dead inside


so please give me pills

so please give me pills

i look for love but they give me chills

please give me pills 

lack of control by no one in particular at 8:42 PM PST
Nothing is persistent as time
Mood:  don't ask
Topic: the artist within?

"My life is a black heart thats gone to sleep"

You whisper so softly that I'm incomplete

Its soft and its faded like a cast away

So bring me vengeance life's a masquerade


So go

Let out the screams

And go

No ones listening

Next fool

In the mirror is me

So break

We are fast asleep  



lack of control by no one in particular at 1:56 PM PST

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