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it again has been a minute or two
dont know how long its been since i refund my way into this space
still holding onto memories of a different headspace
the dark lingers in me
i think ill have a hard time sleeping w/zero meds as i have to be at work at 3am
means id have to take them in 2hrs which i think 🤔 isnt going to happen
ill begin a new fast
downstanding out in the cold. cant say that im "feeling" bad for myself, because im not. 😔 i just can't fight the lack of urge to do anything productive. i havent felt myself slipping this way for a little bit, well, not since before starting another medication. on the plus side my blood pressure has dropped, i normally feel nothing ... on the downside, i havent the issue of weight gain other than a tummy bloat and wanting to eat EVERYTHING.
started listening to a set of music that sounds comforting, especially in my new ear buds. they sound (the music) better than i remembered for sure, i hear so much more in sound depth.
okay, so im feeling down, want more jack daniels, need a job, to be hated less and get off these damn meds. to be honest, missing me. the highs and lows. the unfeeling detached newer version of me SUCKS.
5.5 weeks without a job.
mostly empty bottle of jack.
no desires not of the dark.
ate and now regretting it.
stomachs a mess.
awaiting 2 types of payments.
awaiting a referral.
complementing shaving.
need to exercise 😫
didn't want to wake this morning.
need more jack daniels.
taking less of my meds.
wondering 😔 what's the point.
this song 🎵 just pushed out a, maybe, forgotten 🤔😕 memory. am i the only one who has this happen? i would like to think no.
it wouldn't mean our brainwaves are linked, only a similarities of existence happens. in june this blog will be 18 years old. june 11th to be exact.
ok, so the memory deep dig. that doggy ran backwards and laughed at me... chuckling all the way into the dark. my friends saw this doggy but not the version i did. no sounds to be specific and it was actually coming towards us. i was 15 and losing myself further into hard liquor, vodka 1st, then whiskey... got them off a friend who was only looking for companionship entering high school... we bought them off his dad's VERY stocked liquor room.
so, that doggy was my 1st break. the other was my lost appetite and ability to easily regurgitate anything I attempted to eat or drink, then immediately regret ... except for the alcohol, of course. my parents we getting divorced and my ability to handle that, watching over my young to much younger siblings (only 2, 4, 12) go to school then got a under the table job, 2 to be specific, had me on a early crash and no acknowledgement on my developing mental issues... found that out when i was 21, much to the usher after an ex pushed my to get help.
back to 15. alot of that time sprang back with this song. there are still many scars i must be hiding. i have black out periods now, time i lose 😔 that gets blamed on my "ignoring" and "not listening" to people. i am not good in talk therapy, tried it many times. i tend to get worse. i suppose i am that broken... i do tend to write better than i talk and regret what i write less.
oh, about my memory loss or scars that i subconsciously hide.. from say 4 or 5 starts through now. i can recall somethings and then hear a song or see something that triggers something... no one gets how i then come up with a memory or how i got there.
that's all i have. the thoughts have passed, lost until another time.
until next time, im back to being useless
not sureif i am not to be discussed or ever seen, use this as a memory. faded and bruised. remember i was the one that held held you when you were lost and alone. when the dark consumed you and the world felt so small. the waves washed over you, the dawn frightened you. direction wasn't all that clear and yet, we made it. a bottle. a can of coke. ice and that warm yet cool glass. want to play a game. we will get stuck in a time that only i could have reserved space for... yet no matter how you might try... you can't change, zig or zag. nothing you had, will ever be. there is a ledge, i found it for you. you stepped back... im still here though. beneath it all.
it's fun to reflect at the world you were never really in control of... or will ever be.
sweet dreams... see you there... these pills won't work forever
downinto my 3rd week of being fired from a job i 💜🖤💜d
cant believe this has happened to me again. i am still on my meds. 400mg of seroquel which is good for sleep 💤😴🤔 but seems to be losing me throughout 😕 the day.
also... i now look at my shadow as not that at all... rather it's just the other side of me, the dark side that lingers and when the sun goes down it doesn't go away but takes over and again we become one.
so... it's about to be 2021.
now let me assess the situation of my life up to this point.
you see, i am amazed i even made it here, seriously.
it's been a bumpy road, filled with much...
so, here's some stuff in a nutshell 🤔
i have 4 children, all girls
19, 17, 13, 5
the 19 & 17 are estranged for some 3-7 years because, well, their mother allowed , i'd say, even encouraged it
13 & 5 live with me
i've dropped over 100lbs after ballooning 🎈up to 275
i have apparently 😕 lost most of me to my medication 💊 OR ...this is who i am. Usually void of any emotion.
hug me
what can i say...
you took me on a trip this day,
i found this in a store and dreamt of things once more,
sitting on the ground, hollowed were the sounds, of once spoken no more
i still recall the chill, of one who's fate i killed
still wallowing like the till, who sows his oath in pills
....
what can i say...
sad
Hanging on your words
Living on your breathWill I always be here
Will I always be here...
"Begininng early werk on the BLAH 7 tomorrow. Backstory and description being formulated. I plan to make this series into posters."
i posted this to fAcebo0k december 16th, 2o1o. i found a scribble idea for it. like most everything else I attempted to plan, nothing ever came of it. was self employed at the time...
shall i attempt to breathe new? life into an old idea?
i am not a female,
however,
it still rings true.
suppose its a perk of being bipolar...
even the medication can't cover all that is me
i tried to break out but i cant break through
i try just to die though it seems untrue
no more can i confide when there is nothing new
subscribed to the lie now its all come true
still here waiting
still here waiting
stuck anticipating
yet im still here waiting
destination and so unclean you cant see through
still here.....
- BEGIN TRANSMISSION
deep and dark...
... silence will ring now more...
i sleep, in deep, i dream
the fantasy of not. not is of no consequence.
other worldly endeavors, so quaint
chains rattled and a pop of wine? no. whine.
..
.
teeth chatter... nothing to see here
then maybe again...
- END TRANSMISSION
4 bangs
3 adrenaline shoc
2 gallons Arrowhead water
2 quest protien bars and 1 protein cookie packs
2 pints killer creamery keto ice cream
3 cartons of strawberries
3 wrapping papers
1 wrapping paper case
Leather punch
Vinyl for the cricut
5 ornaments
lyricali'm gonna put a hole in my head.
just to silence the voices that pull me to bed
i'm gonna find a way to survive.
if the hole doesn't happen they'll eat me alive
time didn't give me a chance
i peeled it away just to see whats inside
there's nothing to cover me up
when i find my way to the hole who gives a fuck....
downif i could find a way to make you stay
would you be with me till the end of days
to see inside of my wicked mind
plays tricks on me like i'm dead inside
but you could come play with my friends
they are with me aways to the bitter end
can't see them now they always hide
they whisper things like i'm dead inside
so please give me pills
so please give me pills
i look for love but they give me chills
please give me pills
don't ask"My life is a black heart thats gone to sleep"
You whisper so softly that I'm incomplete
Its soft and its faded like a cast away
So bring me vengeance life's a masquerade
So go
Let out the screams
And go
No ones listening
Next fool
In the mirror is me
So break
We are fast asleep
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