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life is killing me
Monday, 15 March 2021
going deep
Now Playing: Ashes to New - Scars that I'm hiding

this song 🎵 just pushed out a, maybe, forgotten 🤔😕 memory. am i the only one who has this happen? i  would like to think no.

it wouldn't mean our brainwaves are linked, only a similarities of existence happens. in june this blog will be 18 years old. june 11th to be exact. 

 ok, so the memory deep dig. that doggy ran backwards and laughed at me... chuckling all the way into the dark. my friends saw this doggy but not the version i did. no sounds to be specific and it was actually coming towards us. i was 15 and losing myself further into hard liquor, vodka 1st, then whiskey... got them off a friend who was only looking for companionship entering high school... we bought them off his dad's VERY stocked liquor room. 

so, that doggy was my 1st break. the other was my lost appetite and ability to easily regurgitate anything I attempted to eat or drink, then immediately regret ... except for the alcohol, of course. my parents we getting divorced and my ability to handle that, watching over my young to much younger siblings (only 2, 4, 12)  go to school then got a under the table job, 2 to be specific, had me on a early crash and no acknowledgement on my developing mental issues... found that out when i was 21, much to the usher after an ex pushed my to get help.

 back to 15. alot of that time sprang back with this song. there are still many scars i must be hiding. i  have black out periods now, time i lose 😔 that gets blamed on my "ignoring" and "not listening" to people. i  am not good in talk therapy, tried it many times. i tend to get worse. i suppose i am that broken... i do tend to write better than i talk and regret what i write less.

oh, about my memory loss or scars that i subconsciously hide.. from say 4 or 5 starts through now. i  can recall somethings and then hear a song or see something that triggers something... no one gets how i then come up with a memory or how i got there.

that's all i have. the thoughts have passed, lost until another time.


until next time, im back to being useless 

lack of control by no one in particular at 3:19 PM PDT

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