new skin
Now Playing: depeche mode - sounds of faith and devotion
like a hot knife to butter.
the wound opens to bleed.
refresh.
new skin.
make me whole....
... .. or make me no more.
i fear it gets much worse than this.

in the thoughts,
then they bat their eyes but they won't shut up.
pain to make the pain go away.
i can't cross the line if it's going in circles.

perfect.

Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: slipknot - volume 3: the subliminal verses
Topic: sounds like it was for me
SONG: The Nameless

pathetic (benign)
accept it (undermined)
your opinion (your justification)
happy (State)
servent (hate)
malice (heart of weakness)
no toleration
invade (kill me)
enraged (in minutes)
don't condescend (don't neither disagree)
decide (decay)
dissapoint (delay)
you suffered then, now suffer under me.

obsession, take another look.
remember, every debt you took.
decide, you live with me
or give up - i thought you want to be free

(don't go) i never wanted any body more then i wanted you
(i know) the only thing i ever really loved, was hate.

why do i (feel) anything, (guess)
anyway (fall) anybody (will), anybody (kill me)
i want (you) i need (you) i love (you)
I won't (let any body have you)
Obey (me) believe (me) just trust (me)
Worship (me) uniform (me)
Be greatful (now) be honest (now)
Be precious (now) be mine (deserve me)

Possesion (feed my only faith)
Confession (i wont tell you twice)
Desert (make life for me)
Or give up - I thought you want to be free.

(don't go) I never wanted any body more then you
(i know) the only thing I ever really loved, was hurting you.
(don't go) I never wanted any body more then you
(i know) the only thing I ever really loved, was hate.

(yeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhh)
Stay inside the hole, let me take control. (don't let it)
You were nothing more, you were something less (innocent)
Something I still get, something i've to break. (all that's precious)
Fingers on your skin, let me salvage it. (you deserve it)
YOU DESERVE IT.
YOU DESERVE IT.
YOU DESERVE IT.
YOU DESERVE IT.

(don't go) I never wanted any body more then I wanted you (i wanted you)
(i know) the only thing I ever really loved, was hurting you. (was hurting you)
(don't go) I never wanted any body more then I wanted you (i wanted you)
(i know) the only thing I ever really loved, was hate.

You're mine (you are you are)
You're mine (you are you are)
You're mine
YOU'RE MINE

are we there yet? pt. deux
Mood:  flirty
Now Playing: orbital - peel sessions (yes.... again)
well... here comes 2ooo + 5 and still no kisses.
. . .it seems that my luck is far better in odd numbered years.... time will tell.
drinking the day away and it seems that it went on forever.. ...
i will try to make some fun dance music tomorrow...
. . ..i will also try not to eat. .
. . .. ....... .
..
. .
or hate myself... ...
. . .. much.

feeling so sic
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: washing machine - the rinse cycle
so...
it's been about 3 days with this cold and it seems to worsen at nite, after.. oh, 6 or so. my head is congested and eyes feel like there are going to burst. my joints ache and i feel a bit loopy from all this tylenol flu i've been taken.

DAMN!!!!

bit my lip... . .
you know what sounds good? ??
SLEEP.
lots and lots of sleep.

oh yeah... . .and the cure!
. . . and maybe some german raspberries for my fat ass!

are we there yet?
Mood:  spacey
Now Playing: orbital - the peel sessions
still no snow and it's christmas. .. ..
. .. . . .. .. BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. . . .

only 365 more days till we get to do it all over again.. . maybe next year it'll actually feel like christmas.

2 stiff drinks with jack and i still don't feel festive ... ..
crap. ...
.. .. . damn mistletoe seems to be broken.. .. .
. . .. can't i get a kiss?

maybe in 6 days i'll try again .. .. ..

happy christchaunakawanzamas bitches!

DEADcisions
Now Playing: the faint - wet from birth
got this guy i know...
.. . . he's got this band. ...
never heard them before .. . .. .. . .
.. .. .. . .
i've got this fasination .. ..
. .. one with a crowd .. ... .. . .
seems i'm the center of attention. .. ..
. .. .. .. . .....
..
. .
. . ....
. .
.. .. . .get me a demo .. .. ..
. .. .. . . . record a vocal .. .. .
. . .. send it back. . .. .
.. .
.. ..
.. .
MAGIC

. . .will it happen? ?? ?? ? ? ?? ? ?? ? ?






never.not.without.

its the final countdown
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: depeche mode - black celebration
it snowed for 2 days...
.. .. late last nite and all day today it friggin rained. ...
. .. mostly cold and/or freezing rain. ...
snow has and is melting.
sad day.

i hate myself and want to die.

thank you.

11:45 am
Topic: the artist within?
infinite sadness,
light hits my eyes,
sheltering laughter,
covers thick air in lies,
little left in matter,
little left at all,
teardrops fall and shatter,
echos throughout the halls,
dark blankets silence,
misty air dissolves,
the night bringing comfort,
heeds my desperate calls.

another random post
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: slipknot - vol.3 the subliminal verses
so...
well, it snowed today... . normally this would make me excited, yet. . .it hasn't.
i rather smash things up
my life, my face. . .this damed computer !!

i can't explain it.
i wish i could but i can't... .
it seems the older i get the more i HATE the holidays.
the more i hate myself.

i can feel my blood itching at my skin.

did i mention it snowed?

happy thanksgiving
Mood:  irritated
happy.. .. gobble gobble, awww horseshit!

stupid day. stupid turkey. stupid life.

Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: the cure - staring at the sea (the singles)
Topic: sounds like it was for me
SONG: a night like this

say goodbye on a night like this
if it's the last thing we ever do
you never looked as lost as this
sometimes it doesn't even look like you
it goes dark
it goes darker still
please stay
but I watch you like I'm made of stone
as you walk away

i'm coming to find you if it takes me all night
a witch hunt for another girl
for always and ever is always for you
your trust
the most gorgeously stupid thing I ever cut in the world

say hello on a day like today
say it everytime you move
the way that you look at me now
makes me wish I was you
it goes deep
it goes deeper still
this touch
and the smile and the shake of your head

i'm coming to find you if it takes me all night
can't stand here like this anymore
for always and ever is always for you
i want it to be perfect
like before
i want to change it all

i want to change

music. . .music
Mood:  mischievious
new eminem cd encore:
................. . ..... verdict. .. .. . ..
.. . .
........ .. .. BRILLIANT!!!

new die it
Mood:  cool
gonna make an attempt at a new and IMPROVED diet.... .

here she goes. . .
daily:
6 to 12 cups of coffee 2 creams 1 sugar
1 meal
as much water as desired
6oo crunches
1oo push-ups (not the ice cream)

weekly allowances:
1 extra meal
1 drinky drinks

so, lets hope i can stick to it
hmmmmmmmm. . ..

plastic man, the chameleon boy
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: radiohead - ok computer

down down down.. ....

that's the feeling of the last 3 days.
no surprises.
no wanting... . just being, feeling surreal.
nothing.
just like watching a movie only the sound has grown muffled and screen gets a bit blurry ever now and again.
little scar brings minuscule relief.
memories like knives to my back, flood me with images crystal clear until the moment passes, if indeed, it does.
if i could find the edge i'd jump although the fear is i'd continue falling and falling.
am i failing?
i'd tear this face off mine of but the mask has become me. i am plastic man.

chameleon boy... .
a shape shifter with no notion of self.
forget who i am or who you think i am.
i have forgotten and you never knew...

i really ain't dead yet.

Topic: cryptic writings
START TRANSMISSION -

black blanket scars!
deep down tired.. ..
. ... almost empty/running on dry ... .
. .. THUMP . ...
. .. ... THUMP . . . .
. THUMP .. ..
breaking eggs and the shells all gone.. ..
. .. .gross. .. stink. ... death .. . .
to feel like it was. . ? ?? ?? ?
almost!
what a day.
what a nite.
what a life.
.......... . .. .. . . .... . .. . what life?
tired exaggeration.
egg on your face. . .. .. . .. .
lets make an omelet!

who ate my ... .. my. .. my. . .
. . .. oh well. ... i. ... eye. .. ..
... must've forgot. .... .

- END TRANSMISSION

Topic: the crap i buy
yesterday:
ren & stimpy - seasons 1 & 2
taco bell - 2 beef meximelts, a crunchy taco and a regular nacho
super big gulp - sprite
altoids - tangerine sour
tylenol flu - day/nite combo

down with the sickness/brighter days
Mood:  lazy
ok. vacation is going just fine, however, everyone has gotten a taste of this NASTY flu. i can say, with all honesty... i have NEVER throw up soooooooooo much in such a short time. it was SICK! i was down for about 2 days and 1 of those days i tried to sleep near the tiolet. now it just feels like i was hit by a mac truck.. goody.

well, only a few more days and i'm back to the grind. i actually can't wait.... i like working... it keeps my mind from running off with my sanity.

merry halloween
Now Playing: sound of the beat to the rhythm of the war drum
last nite we went to Knotts Scary Farm. gooooood... goodgoodgoodgoodgoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood.

even though we didn't get there and in the park until around 9:3oish. well worth the $36 to see my sister scream herself to hell and jump every other second. VERY funa nd no one died although we thought stacey (the wife) may have fallen through some of the harnesses of her weighing just under a buck. guess not though. Disneyland is FRIDAY. i go back to the mother-in-laws tomorrow. hilarity ensues!

Topic: the crap i buy
yesterday:

Fahrenheit 9/11
a fifth of jack daniels (polished off last nite)
1lb bag of candy korn
12 pack coke cola (to ... dilute? the jack.. .a chaser?)
2 chicken soft tacos and a bucket of fries from Del Taco

day before yesturday:

1 2o oz mountain dew code red
1 snickers bar
Aladdin - special edition