eltiT
Mood:  suave
Now Playing: october rust - type o negative
so so... here it is that we meet again. strange wondrous days days ahead.

i was thinking about the scar that stretches across my right check... then i began thinking about the other scar across my left index finger.. that one i personally did to myself at the tender age of 1o or something. with the new found straight razor i attempted to cut up some cardboard but instead, ran it directly over my finger. it (the scar) tingles every now and again... maybe from nerve damage although i think it is because it (the scar) doesn't want me to forget it (the scar). the scar on my cheek came from an accident around the same time in age only i fell face first into an old sprinkler thingy.. .. ripped my face wide open... that scar doesn't tingle, it reminds me by causing my cheek a bit of pain every now and again.

so. . .where was i? oh yes. i remember...
i was thinking about why i was soooooo accident prone... and this is how i got to naming the blog, "life is killing me" .. . because it is. here we go.... in about the order they happened..

- i fall down a flight of stairs in my walker from the 2nd story of an apartment complex
- i drink a 1/4 bottle of drain-o
- i poop out a mysterious cross (where it came from or how i swallowed it. . no one knows!)
- i staple my fingers together in 1st grade
- i throughout 3 years, slam my poor hand in the car door 4 times
- i fall down those same stairs in a pair of cowboy boots
- i break the "growth bone" in my right arm (approx. near your wrist)
- i almost cut my fingers off in a pair of garden sheers
- i slice my finger open with a straight razor
- i fall face first into a garden sprinkler thingy
- i get hit by a truck.. .while crossing the street (results in a fractured skull, you can still see a dime sized bald spot on the back of my head and feel the weekend skull cracks)
- i shoot a 1/2 inch staple into my hand (opps)
- i roll a volkswagon 15 times
- i get alcohol poisoning (can't move for 3 days)
- i od on alcohol, sleeping pills, aspirin and anti- depressants
- i get sideswiped by a car going 6o in a 25 mph zone while at a standstill

anyways , the list goes on and i am missing a few things here and there... i hate the morning.

what the hell did i just post about... .? ?? ?? ??
anyways.. .hope it was insightful.

1 last thing... the lyrics to my most favoritest song off this type o negative album

in praise of bacchus
hey bacchus
she hates me
hey bacchus
she hates me

the street lamps light a wet old red
hook road
a furry vino tinted slave
molten oil painted brooklyn bridge
(cobblestone grave)

a lonely blue girl guards the river bed
she shakes her brown torch at the tide
on pier six we'd creep and count the cracks
(side by side, see, we're counting cracks)

your mother was out wearing herself
inside
i'll stop the train to say hello
a used boyfriend's just bought her this
new car
(i said i know)

-togetherburn-

she said burn
together
burn
we'll burn together

now don't believe she'll never leave
again
i can't forget the words she said back
when

she said burn
we'll burn together

Topic: the things i love
of all the things i've come to know.. i'd have to say this...

i love the darkness
i love dark brooding emotional music ie: bands such as type o negative, the faint, new order, nine inch nails, soft cell, kraftwerk, gary newman, alice in chains, depeche mode, orgy, marilyn manson, disturbed, my life with the thrill kill kult, the cure, etc.
i love the cold, cold and falling snow and the feeling of seediness it causes
i love the color black
i love the color red
i love the feeling of being alone
i love the dead, they are GREAT listener and don't interrupt or talk back
i love a good mall
i love long drives alone in small cars on late nites on wet roads
i love the days i can never have back
i love the late evening sunset and the oranges and reds it produces
i love sunday mourning's
i love friday nites
i love absinthe
i love jack daniels
i love to sleep in the heat
i love the feeling of flesh
i love the macabre thoughts that make up who i am and i love that i do not speak them
i love the burning sensation i get when i don't eat
i love mexican foods
i love getting lost in a memory
i love waiting for the mail to come
i love to write music, poems, lyrics and draw


. . . .... there is more. .. along with a list of things i hate.... but those may come later...

Topic: cryptic writings
START TRANSMISSION -

long cold nite.
buried it long ago deep inside.
anything i'll do....
anything?
... .. . .. . .. ....... . . .. . ... .. . ANYthinG.
life life love live life life love
a find is to butter
as the blind is to smother
and cover
and disguise
and repent
and forgive
forget
forget
forget
.............. . . . .. ... 4gotten?

within each flake of new fallen snow
did she arise within new face
so glad are we
almost like it was always meant to be.
a natural gift?
the naturally gifted have no say in the complications of the flesh and the sins of the heart.
blackest is mine.
blackest is my most inner thought: disguised to me myself alone.

as i thought.. . i sat to think about it.
it? apossibility
of the truest blue .... .. ..
.. .. .. . .. . skies did fall. .. .. .
. .. .. arrows in the spine. ... .. .. .. . . . .
. .. . ... . . we need the wood for the fire.. .. ..
. . . godsend me an angel... ... .. . . .
. . ...... . crimson lips. .. . .. .. .. .. .. . . .
. . ... .. . .. . . pale whitest skin. .. .. . ...
.. .. . .wings of fire and temptations wings can't i not shake? ? ?????? ?

shaken not stirred.

PAUSE
(ringing ... ... ringing. .. ... ringing. .. .)
silence waits....
. .. sits and stares.. .. .. . .. .. .. . . .
to whom am i speaking?
"i speak not for i am without". ..
without? without what? a tongue? a mouth?
"foolish and irrational... sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep"
i sssssee sooooo i. . i .. uhhhhhhhhhh
(falls asleep)
REDIAL
(ringing ... ... ringing. .. ... ringing. .. .)
HANG UP

- END TRANSMISSION

new "poetry"
Topic: the artist within?
new poem... check it out!

my head binds,
twisted in lies,
deceives me in time.

promises were, always and should never be.
promises are all but fondled and broken.

ringing in the hall,
for me to run to and fall,
i have always been blind.

a lovers trip did pay the toll and how.
a lovers heart decayed in mold, sour and cold.

lost in a haze,
foolish and amazed,
the crowd chants and then fades.

a heart to a still born life in a shallow man.
a heart left to bleed out, drained and blow away with the sand.

- the blind mans insight

my heart is trapped in my crainium
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: la sexorsito : devil music vol. I - white zombie
tell you what... my head feels like i weighs 1oo time heavier than normal. my nose bleeds have stopped for the last 2 days although i have these TERRIBLE migraines now. i also think that i keep seeing these bright, quick flashes of lights... and my right eye has started to blur again. it is all very irritating so i suppose, i am irritated with myself. work has my days split off now so thats not really any fun... but then if it was. .. would it be work? powerful!
i can feel each and every pulse in my head from this lame heart of mine.
compliments and pity need not apply.
a sure fire remedy would be to sleep but that can't go on forever. ah yes, i know... cold stone. mmmm mmm. for dinner: jack and coke.
aww crap. shouldn't of said that.. .. oh well.

it's familiar to everybody again
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: schoolhouse rocks DVD
well, here it goes so far for the day:
my daughter trinity told me that i am HELLBOY. she said,"look daddy, that's you on tv... you are the best daddy and i missed you so much i have to swim and you swim and .... hey! you ate all my pretzels.... that's you on tv dad (hellboy appears on screen again) i love you the best daddy."
crazy little girl... shes always thinking i'm on tv or some cd or dvd cover.
also, she was VERY excited because i got her a curious george dvd, only $5.50 at your local wal*mart. trinity is watching the schoolhouse rocks dvd, she knows almost all the songs now and she really likes it. i used to read her edgar allen poe before she went to bed, that or sometime some of the original grimm brother tales.... i'd like her to be more well rounded than myself... although i'd never push her to do anything.

ok... good day so far.
now a recap of the last week:
. ... moved in the new place saturday afternoon so i could go back to work sunday. the house is slowly coming back together... living room and bedrooms are almost unpacked, the kitchen is a mess.... and then trinity put 2 things of fish food into the tank and almost killed the fish again.. . opps .
works is kinda rough, it's been like hell week with all the people i used to work with, they still want to think i'm, "that goofy guy". all i know is to take it with baby steps, they'll get the picture soon enough. the stress level seems to have calmed down alittle, so that's a good sign. NOT a good sign- i seem to be having a problem with reoccurring bloody noses. i get one most everyday and when i say bleed, i mean BLEED! i've been having them for the past, oh, month or so. i used to get them and i know what it means... however, i'm hoping it'll pass. along with the headaches and noises and voices(wink wink).

there we have it, sorta.

f.y.i.
nuts: don't care for 'em
chocolate: don't like it
coffee: would rather do without
peanut m&m's: i LOVE the red's and blue's
moca frapp's: LOVE 'em

bizarre

Topic: cryptic writings
START TRANSMISSION -

heavy head wades so deep.deep.. .DEEP.
plastic eyeballs.
..... .. plastic face.
.............. .. plastic ways make neat for display.
true.not uncommon.LIES
puke.puke.. dum dumb duh.
longer.lighter.leather face and itching skin...
.. . .beneath is scars....
. . .. . .. a scar we cover... ..
. . .to undercover the blanket and find rats beneath the boy who died.dead.gone.forgotten.good riddance.
to seek
and use
to stare
and fake a death infront of a thousand bleeding hearts?
THIEF

underwires snag.tear mine
echo. echo.echoechoecoechoechoechoo o o oo o ooo o
down
... .. down
. .. ... ............ .down
strawberry hills
grass still as green
the dogs are all still shedding
laughter is gone yet it grows- louder
misfit days: yesturdays-todays-tomorrows
cancer black and it knows... .. .
happiest days
aand goooooooodd moooooooooourning
suunshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhiiiine.

we love her so
so so
so
so
so
so say your sorry or so help me!

- END TRANSMISSION

Topic: cryptic writings
START TRANSMISSION -

lost control.CONTROL.control.
my head creeps... sleeps
a mess, a mess.. .. .
.... . .. . . .. the minds horrible to taste
the time will come when you and i and i will once again rejoice in the finding that we are not.
.... .. not you.not me.not them.not us.
NOTHING!

blank waves and modest stares...
.. . .. catapulting this into a mad.d descend
the dust will clear.... settle... . .
.. .. . time will pass, time will cease to matter.
as a matter of fact the lot of them will face the fact... . .and decide they were right... .you were wrong. your wrong.
right?
beautiful leaves... .. .
the branch's wilt... . ... .
a trunk stumbles and falls. . .. .....
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM !! !
winlessday.futhersday.frdieday.sadderday

- END TRANSMISSION

of today.tomorrow.forever
Mood:  rushed
Now Playing: make up the breakdown - hot hot heat
new poem, "of today.tomorrow.forever" , posted in the links section. check.it.out!

today is ALSO, most importantly, my daughters 3rd birthday!!
happy day for her!!!!
here is a picture of her and myself, about a couple of months after her 1st birthday. my scanner is busted so i haven't anything newer.

.......... ......... .. ..... . .. .... ..... ......... ..trinity and myself in front of the computer



day 3: well, the EVIL cold sore has blistered and scabbed up a bit and my top lip is SWOLLEN! i'll tell you.... .man, this thing is painful.

by the by.... i am a master chef! however... NO CHICKEN, won't touch it.. .. or oriental foods

Topic: cryptic writings
START TRANSMISSION -

maybe, maybe... i should think today.
thoughts creep and heartbeat.beats....
what if i want more?
..... .. . .. .. .sometimes less is more!
caged. maintain. goal.
danse with me.
i can't danse.
goal is yet to be manipulated and can't maintain.
stop and smell the time is fleeting.
cash it in.....
... ... ... . always there for me
.. ..... .. . ... . .. .. .take me out to lunch.
wanderlust.
wonder.
wondering.
STOP

i guess i feel i am hiding behind a painted glass..
time is inconsistent.
words float though the air waiting for a chance to be set free yet suddenly fall to the floor.
disgust.
something goes right then sucks and pulls and strangles the life out of you.
mystery.
nobody cares.
nobody loves.
moping around the streets again.
drinking to many drinks..... .
.. ...... .. . .. . .. drinking for you .. .. ..
. .. . .. . drinking BECAUSE of you .. . ...
in the deep.
settling on the best possible outcome, i gather that the only plausible end result is ... .. .
......... ............ .............. .. . a life
. .. . .. .... .. .. .. ... .. a love
......... .. . . .. . . DEATH

lovebegatsdeathbegatslovebegatsdeath : one in the same
as it ever was
as it ever is
fire deep inside.
DEEP.EP.EP .. ... . . ..... . ..... . . ........... . . .. ........... .. .. .... .. . ........ ... .. . ....... .DEEP

- END TRANSMISSION

it had to happen!
Mood:  don't ask
well, it had to happen eventually i suppose... all this pent up frustration, stress and anxiety... the headaches. anyways, woke up this morning and guess what... i have the beginnings of a cold sore sitting on the crest of my upper lip... you know, when the angels whispered all the secrets of the world into your ears while in the womb and then gently put their finger on your lip and said, "shhhhhhhhhhhh".

so... here i sit... with the pain now focusing on my lip and it feels like it's three times the size of my face. it seems like i get them about once a year or so. my belief is that i got them after my lip got infected (after being sun and wind burned)on summer vacation in '93. my lip split open and got infected and after that... i believe that is when i started to get them.

when i was on my medication (98-01), i never did get them though. hmm mmm mmm. . ..another "good" for the medication i suppose.

i have some ointment for the sick sore on my lip so lets see how long it take to my face... hopefully before i go back to work on saturday. .. which gives me, oh. .about 3 days. if i remember correctly, i usually get ride of them in 5 or 6.

asshat!!!

5 minute plan
Mood:  lazy
Topic: the artist within?
so,
i haven't really sat down and drawn anything in a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time, and boy, do i mean a long time. i suppose i sit and "doodle" from time to time... but that's not what i'm talking about here... . i usually draw what i consider... oh, CRAP! i dunno, i have tried to draw many times yet i usually end up ripping the project up and/or throwing it away.

same thing as if i sat down to write a song or jot down some poetry, which kinda sucks since i need to be "inspired" to sit and start it anyway.

anyways. . . here's the plan... (plan = immediate failure) after we move, hopefully this friday or sooner, i will "plan" to set aside some time to just sit down and let "whatever" just flow out. it's hard for me to sit down and try to do something.... my mind goes blank/empty. when i DOdraw something, if you visit my site and go to eye candy, it's usually a face.

WHY?? you ask. NOT A CLUE. it's just what it is and the way it comes out.... .

blah blah blah ballllllllllllllllllllllaaaaaaahh h. ... .. the moment. .. ... fleeting..

oh' well (sighs)

maybe you've seen this before?
Mood:  silly
funny funny HA HA !!
"this land" - bush vs. kerry

random thoughts and outbursts in my head
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: infest - papa roach

ever listen to some songs and instantly they pull you back to a time, some good and others bad.

i could sleep in the heat forever, it lulls me into a time and place... one of innocence.

thinking, sinking.

if i focus in on the pain it makes me feel that much worse all the while it makes me somehow feel all that much better... what's that all about?

i have been having trouble with my vision, i have recently ,specifically, been having a problem with the focus in my right eye. it blends in and out of focus throughout the day... i can't tell when or why this happens... it seems to come from out of nowhere although i'm sure it is stress related.

my chest feels empty yet i know my heart is in there.. . somewhere... causing me worry because i fear that it is breaking. life is killing me.

i eat because i am never hungry.

i wake because i can not sleep forever.

on average, when i feel the need to, suffering from a headache.... i take anywhere from 6 to 10 excedrin migrane.

i give blood because it is the right thing to do, being that i am o-negative.

i give blood because i like to feel the life being pumped out of me, even if it is only a pint... or 2 at a time (they like to take 1 1/2 to 2 from me now).

i am afraid of myself.

i have no friends.

sometimes it looks like everything is in slow motion, literally.

let the poison spill from your throat
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: danse macabre - the faint
some people get bit from the inside
when they talk it's cold and sour
and no, there's nothing they can do now
they've had their way too many times
if you glare to get what you want
it'll become your look
if there's dirt you you've got on someone
you let it loose without a thought

you let the poison spill,
spill it from your throat
hiss like steam
because the pressure is unreal
i'm not saying that it's not
you're causing a scene
you're wearing out that note
you scream until it's gone
you scream until it's gone, gone, gone

no government check can reverse it
you'd need a royal eclipse of the tongue
or is the pain that you endure now
something you need
well, you know how to get it
there's no climbing up that list
you just move down it one by one
you hate this and this and love love that it shows
you're insecure, but that's no excuse

just tell them they lie
you tell the truth
the things you won't take are coming in groups
the people abused the trust you had
and now you don't want it back

you let the poison spill,
spill it from your throat
hiss like steam
because the pressure is unreal
i'm not saying that it's not
you're causing a scene
you're wearing out that note
you scream until it's gone
you scream until it's gone, gone, gone

-let the poison spill from your throat (track 4)
-from: danse macabre (2oo1) - the faint

just because
Mood:  not sure
back to bend, or. tomorrow to look AGAIN for another place to live. work is relocating me, as is expected, however, we thought we had a place, no, were ASSURED we had a place and then got a call that they are "low income" housing... which isn't on the paperwork nor anything else they had to give us. NO ONE even suggested they had income requirements when we talked to them. . .for more than an hour!!!!

so, after fighting with them over the phone to get our background check fees back, they agreed that they RIPPED US OFF!!! whatever.

hopefully we can find a GOOD place that we can trust by 5:oopm tomorrow afternoon. i have to show up for work in bend next weekend, starting saturday the 24th.

sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful tripp
Mood:  not sure
i'm searching for something and i'm afraid i'll never find it. you see, what exactly i'm in search of is something i KNOW i'll never know. it's rather complicated and jumbles my thoughts, ideas and memories when i try to figure out just what it is... what i'm looking for. it's not like soul searching, no no, i've done that and quite frankly, i'm not very impressed or enthusiastic about what i've found. so, i guess i'm searching for something which can't be found, and this glass once full of hope is just.about.dry.

i've been diagnosed as bi-polar type II, well, just about going on 5 years ago. i started out on and went through about 4 different antidepressants until it had come to the conclusion that i wasn't just depressed, no, but bi-polar. you see, the antidepressant only made my manic states even higher and more manic. so, the final decision was to put me on a steady diet of an antidepressant, mood stabilizer and an antipsychotic... of which the later i only took for the period of a week or so, to help with the episodes. as you might gather, i was pretty far off.

fast forward to today: i haven't taken anything and thought that i was finally "over" whatever it was that i "had", for about 3 years and running. i felt that i was capable of controlling myself and emotions, however, it is becoming INCREASINGLY more and more difficult this past year. to offset this i try to work as much as i can to keep my mind and thoughts from catching up and telling me lies and half truths. with the rapid pace of productivity at work i have no time with my own thoughts and the sickness doesn't seep in very much... just a trickle here and there. i don't, well i try not to drink that much anymore because of my daughters.. so i guess work has now become my crutch. without the meds i would drink, without the drink i must work.. work, work, work. with more than 2 or 3 days off i am a wreck of a person... it's rather sad i suppose.

CRAP!!!!
i totally lost track and all sense of purpose of this post... what started out isn't what it became.
oh yes... here it is. i enjoyed the sense of stabilty that the meds provided yet i didn't. the range of my emotional was sharply cut down. looking back, i almost, almost felt like i was in a different cage, another cage. maybe that's why i'm weary of going back on the meds. both, who i am now and who i become on medication, are VERY scary places for me.

i rarely do the following now: write poems, lyrics, music, draw, paint, play with my kids, spend time with my wife, have friends, talk to my family, etc..
however, when i do, it becomes so VERY enjoyable and means sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo very much to me. when i DO write music, poems or draw i think i use the state of mind i'm in and all the pent up emotion to better whatever i'm doing... maybe just like brian wilson did. hmmmmmm, reminds me of a song.

anyways.. what going on with tripod and all this reconfiguring? i made a post yesturday afternoon and it shows that i did but there is NO post for wednessday. it also shows i had 17 posts and i only count 16, not including this one.

interesting.
pathetic.
silent.

........................ ...... .. . . . . .

as the world turns, crumbles and falls
sitting here, head full of distortion, eyes full of doubt, stomach just short of full of code red mountain dew. thinking back on my life and i can't decide wether or not i like who and what i am. i'm not sure if the life i've created is the right one for me or the best thing for anyone involved. i must've made myself sick last night because i was throwing up ALL nite long. the wife and family thinks i'm stressed although i'm not sure i totally feel stressed, that is to say, i believe i've felt more stressed out than i am right now.

maybe it's just that it seems that the world around me and the one i thought was my life feels like it's crumbing in on me. maybe i DO put unreal expectaions on myself. maybe then again i don't and i am as big of a failure as i think i am. i don't know. all i know is that i believe what i see and what i feel. if i can't trust what i see and how i feel. . .what does that leave me with? WHAT? nothing. .. and that's exactly what i feel like. like i need to just be left alone or be gone. go away. disappear. whatever.

surely the darkness that has closed down on me will lift and one day, hopefully soon, i'll feel whole again. when my first daughter was born, i can't exactly describe my feelings when i first saw her.. it wasn't good and it wasn't bad. it felt like.... like most times when i feel like i see the world in 3rd person. like i was just watching and observing things. god damn. ... that sounds VERY disconnected. i am overcome with saddness now. gotta go.

days like today are everyday
Mood:  blue
i've been thinking about this for awhile now... you know, the emptiness i feel inside and the desire to be left as alone as i feel.

TODAY: i am startled because i can feel my heart like it's another entity inside me, like a stranger. i feel each and every beat and pulse like if some one was pounding on the outside of my chest. like someone was pounding my chest and it was about to cave in. it feels warm and my stomach feels as empty as the world in my eyes. i don't think i feel nervious or anxious however, i am, as usual, kinda annoyed and stressed about everything and nothing at all.

could all this be what is anxiety? i don't know that i am anxious about anything. i just don't know. i know that while watching the butterfly effect last nite i actually came to tears about 60 or more times. . . .for most of the movie anyway.. and the directors ending. . man, it tore me up, i just lost it.

my head is full of noise and sometimes, no, lately i can't trust all of what i think i see and hear. i'm not exactly sure when i'm dreaming and when i'm not. i find myself thinking that i did something or heard something clearly, only to find out they never happened.... but it was sooooooooooooo real.

maybe i just need rest....

oh, as far as "the program" for my weight loss? i believe that i now weigh around 2oolbs now. my belly is now fading away and i notice a slight reduction in my face. now, only 20 more pounds to go.

so so very tired. my eyes burn.

infinite sadness
Mood:  down
Now Playing: breaking benjamin - saturate
with all that has floated through and all that has gotten caught within the vast space of my mind, i have reached a moment of realization: i want to be bold. i've want to please and piss off EVERYONE. i want to surround myself with a crowd and push them all away at once.

before i die i'd like to apologize to all the girlfriends i've ever had and let them know how much they really meant to me. maybe then the ghosts of my past could stop haunting me and i could sleep in peace. i'd like to apologize to my family and let them know that i can't bear the thought of them growing close to me for fearing that i'll may become and am, in some ways, my father. i can't bear the fact that i am who i am and that i can't change where i came from.

see, i've been thinking lately (which causes nothing but hesitation and confusion) that i can't be because i've never been. i was thinking about a friends husbands death. shes remarried now, which is fine by me, yet leaves me pondering. i've never given much to the thought of soul mates, however, if there is such a thing... could a person not have more than 1? i start to think about it and i think: YES. sure, in a world full of billions of people, it's possible to have MANY although we may only catch up to and realize maybe, oh 3 or 4.

whats this have to do with anything? ... i don't know. maybe it's just the jack i've recently come back in contact with, along with the hollowness i've felt lately. who knows? all i know is i wrote all this down so i'll keep it. hell, i feel worse now...

great... .
theres always tomorrow....