so... it's about to be 2021.
now let me assess the situation of my life up to this point.
you see, i am amazed i even made it here, seriously.
it's been a bumpy road, filled with much...
so, here's some stuff in a nutshell 🤔
i have 4 children, all girls
19, 17, 13, 5
the 19 & 17 are estranged for some 3-7 years because, well, their mother allowed , i'd say, even encouraged it
13 & 5 live with me
i've dropped over 100lbs after ballooning 🎈up to 275
i have apparently 😕 lost most of me to my medication 💊 OR ...this is who i am. Usually void of any emotion.
Mood: hug me
Now Playing: Zero 7 - simple things - destiny
Topic: sounds like it was for me
what can i say...
you took me on a trip this day,
i found this in a store and dreamt of things once more,
sitting on the ground, hollowed were the sounds, of once spoken no more
i still recall the chill, of one who's fate i killed
still wallowing like the till, who sows his oath in pills
....
what can i say...
Mood: sad
Now Playing: Depeche Mode - Song of faith and devotion
Topic: the things i love
In your room
Hanging on your words
Living on your breathWill I always be here
Will I always be here...
Topic: the artist within?
"Begininng early werk on the BLAH 7 tomorrow. Backstory and description being formulated. I plan to make this series into posters."
i posted this to fAcebo0k december 16th, 2o1o. i found a scribble idea for it. like most everything else I attempted to plan, nothing ever came of it. was self employed at the time...
shall i attempt to breathe new? life into an old idea?
i am not a female,
however,
it still rings true.
suppose its a perk of being bipolar...
even the medication can't cover all that is me
i tried to break out but i cant break through
i try just to die though it seems untrue
no more can i confide when there is nothing new
subscribed to the lie now its all come true
still here waiting
still here waiting
stuck anticipating
yet im still here waiting
destination and so unclean you cant see through
still here.....
Topic: cryptic writings
- BEGIN TRANSMISSION
deep and dark...
... silence will ring now more...
i sleep, in deep, i dream
the fantasy of not. not is of no consequence.
other worldly endeavors, so quaint
chains rattled and a pop of wine? no. whine.
..
.
teeth chatter... nothing to see here
then maybe again...
- END TRANSMISSION
Topic: the crap i buy
4 bangs
3 adrenaline shoc
2 gallons Arrowhead water
2 quest protien bars and 1 protein cookie packs
2 pints killer creamery keto ice cream
3 cartons of strawberries
3 wrapping papers
1 wrapping paper case
Leather punch
Vinyl for the cricut
5 ornaments
Mood: lyrical
i'm gonna put a hole in my head.
just to silence the voices that pull me to bed
i'm gonna find a way to survive.
if the hole doesn't happen they'll eat me alive
time didn't give me a chance
i peeled it away just to see whats inside
there's nothing to cover me up
when i find my way to the hole who gives a fuck....
Mood: down
Topic: the artist within?
if i could find a way to make you stay
would you be with me till the end of days
to see inside of my wicked mind
plays tricks on me like i'm dead inside
but you could come play with my friends
they are with me aways to the bitter end
can't see them now they always hide
they whisper things like i'm dead inside
so please give me pills
so please give me pills
i look for love but they give me chills
please give me pills
Mood: don't ask
Topic: the artist within?
"My life is a black heart thats gone to sleep"
You whisper so softly that I'm incomplete
Its soft and its faded like a cast away
So bring me vengeance life's a masquerade
So go
Let out the screams
And go
No ones listening
Next fool
In the mirror is me
So break
We are fast asleep
Emoods. i 🖤 this app. makes tracking my moods... which may not be what i thought. seems that i am again cycling 🤔 as i track my moods daily.
cold chills fill me up
rot and decay flood my dreams
the dead call to me but no ones home
Mood: down
woke up upon a cold sweat at 230am!
from then on, i couldn't catch my breathe and the pain of a hot red iron pick was shoving its way through my left eye. it was searing through the back and through my brain. i haven't had a migraine like this in forever. i couldn't go back to sleep, the feeling of heat and misery plagued me through the night.
so, visions raced in my mind... did i shower? did i need to shower? could anyone hear me as the spike went through my brain? did i imagine this all or was i dreaming i spoke out about it?
will this pain now drift away or down now to the deep pit of my stomach?
Now Playing: Nine Inch Nails
Yes, something just like this. Holidays make me happy and ill at the same time. All i really want is some jack daniel's and that warm feeling from within and the pain to drift away. Even for just one minute.
No food. Just whiskey and the smooth burn it provides
https://youtu.be/5vbLOEzgr4Y
Mood: hug me
Topic: the things i love
It's been, well, sometime since the last time go round.
No one has been really listening of reading this. Oh well, its not for anyone anyway.
In no order...
i love walking in the rain
i love listening to the rain hit and tap repeatedly on my windows
i love jumping in puddles
i love listening to old tunes that i used to listen to but with good headphones 🎧 and hearing them in new and fascinating ways
i love sleeping with the fan on
i love that i am kind of living out a dream... as im living next to a cemetery! its right behind my condo... though not nearly enough tombstones above ground for my liking
i love falling asleep to dark wave goth tinged music. dark. black. drowns out the voices
i love forgetting to take my meds, the voices inside remind me what i used to see and feel
i love if i could be in all black ⚫ ... black shirt, black pants, black socks, pirch black shoes .. maybe with a red tie
until i find more time... and things to love
Mood: not sure
This is how 🤔 i 🖤
far from anything i ever wanted to be. i once thought of the person I could have sworn i was supposed to be. It turned out to be something else. im not a narrasist, my traits though, would at times make it seem that way, though, however misleading.
Rather
i have found that the unmedicated version of my could be awe inspiring and comfortable. that version wore his heart on his sleeve and felt everything, EVERYTHING! all that was warm, thick and obsessed. pale and black 🔳 🔲 and devoid of space and time. it was there that everything and nothing flourished. simpler times, fond times.
Reality
i lost control. completely. unhinged and afraid 😨 voices, sight.
Until again....
Mood: don't ask
i discovered my login to this blog. Discovered i created this tripod site 11 Jun 2004.
That time in my life was different. Seems far away and also not that long ago. i penned most of what this space was from a computer tower and screen. Taking time to divulge things I'd 😌 never speak of.
i followed the path of an un medicated me. The naive person that i was. In a land of make believe.
Now.... all I ask... I why am I here again