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cryptic writings
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Thursday, 31 December 2020
happy new year. goodbye 2020. wait, what's happening?

so... it's about to be 2021.

now let me assess the situation of my life up to this point.

you see, i am amazed i even made it here, seriously.

it's been a bumpy road, filled with much...

so, here's some stuff in a nutshell 🤔

i have 4 children, all girls

19, 17, 13, 5

the 19 & 17 are estranged for some 3-7 years because, well, their mother allowed , i'd say, even encouraged it

13 & 5 live with me

i've dropped over 100lbs after ballooning 🎈up to 275

i have apparently 😕 lost most of me to my medication 💊 OR ...this is who i am. Usually void of any emotion.


lack of control by no one in particular at 8:56 PM PST
Tuesday, 29 December 2020
i wish there was a way to fall into the sounds
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: Zero 7 - simple things - destiny
Topic: sounds like it was for me

 

 

what can i say...

you took me on a trip this day,

i found this in a store and dreamt of things once more,

sitting on the ground, hollowed were the sounds, of once spoken no more

i still recall the chill, of one who's fate i killed

still wallowing like the till, who sows his oath in pills

....

what can i say... 

 


lack of control by no one in particular at 1:18 AM PST
Thursday, 17 December 2020
when mem0rieS coM3 flo0ding back in aGaIn...
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: Depeche Mode - Song of faith and devotion
Topic: the things i love
In your room
Where time stands still
Or moves at your will
Will you let the morning come soon
Or will you leave me lying here
In your favourite darkness
Your favourite half-light
Your favourite consciousness
Your favourite slave...

 Hanging on your words

Living on your breath
Feeling with your skin

Will I always be here

Will I always be here...


lack of control by no one in particular at 7:05 PM PST
Updated: Thursday, 17 December 2020 7:53 PM PST
Wednesday, 16 December 2020
fAcebo0k m3moriee... fr0m 10 yEArS a-go-go
Topic: the artist within?

"Begininng early werk on the BLAH 7 tomorrow. Backstory and description being formulated. I plan to make this series into posters."

i posted this to fAcebo0k december 16th, 2o1o. i found a scribble idea for it. like most everything else I attempted to plan, nothing ever came of it. was self employed at the time... 

shall i  attempt to breathe new? life into an old idea?  

 


lack of control by no one in particular at 10:42 AM PST
Tuesday, 15 December 2020


i  am not a female,


however,


it still rings true.


suppose its a perk of being bipolar...

even the medication can't cover all that is me


 


lack of control by no one in particular at 8:13 PM PST
Updated: Tuesday, 15 December 2020 8:15 PM PST


 


lack of control by no one in particular at 7:46 PM PST


 


lack of control by no one in particular at 7:04 PM PST
Sunday, 13 December 2020

i tried to break out but i cant break through

i try just to die though it seems untrue

no more can i confide when there is nothing new

subscribed to the lie now its all come true

 

still here waiting

still here waiting

stuck anticipating

yet im still here waiting

 

destination and so unclean you cant see through

 

still here..... 


lack of control by no one in particular at 1:18 AM PST
Sunday, 6 December 2020

Topic: cryptic writings

-  BEGIN TRANSMISSION

 

deep and dark...

 

... silence will ring now more...

i sleep, in deep, i dream

 

the fantasy of not. not is of no consequence.

other worldly endeavors, so quaint

chains rattled and a pop of wine? no. whine.

..

.

teeth chatter... nothing to see here

then maybe again...

- END TRANSMISSION


 


lack of control by no one in particular at 11:39 PM PST
Updated: Sunday, 6 December 2020 11:42 PM PST
Saturday, 5 December 2020
went to target twice this week...
Topic: the crap i buy

4 bangs

3 adrenaline shoc

2 gallons Arrowhead water

2 quest protien bars and 1 protein cookie packs

2 pints killer creamery keto ice cream

3 cartons of strawberries

3 wrapping papers

1 wrapping paper case

Leather punch

Vinyl for the cricut

5 ornaments

 


lack of control by no one in particular at 6:31 PM PST
Updated: Saturday, 5 December 2020 6:32 PM PST
the sour taste of no regrets
Mood:  lyrical

i'm gonna put a hole in my head.

just to silence the voices that pull me to bed

i'm gonna find a way to survive.

if the hole doesn't happen they'll eat me alive

time didn't give me a chance

i peeled it away just to see whats inside

there's nothing to cover me up

when i find my way to the hole who gives a fuck.... 


lack of control by no one in particular at 6:25 PM PST
Friday, 4 December 2020
why bother
Mood:  down
Topic: the artist within?

if i could find a way to make you stay

would you be with me till the end of days

to see inside of my wicked mind

plays tricks on me like i'm dead inside

but you could come play with my friends

they are with me aways to the bitter end

can't see them now they always hide

they whisper things like i'm dead inside

 

so please give me pills

so please give me pills

i look for love but they give me chills

please give me pills 


lack of control by no one in particular at 8:42 PM PST
Nothing is persistent as time
Mood:  don't ask
Topic: the artist within?

"My life is a black heart thats gone to sleep"

You whisper so softly that I'm incomplete

Its soft and its faded like a cast away

So bring me vengeance life's a masquerade

 

So go

Let out the screams

And go

No ones listening

Next fool

In the mirror is me

So break

We are fast asleep  

 

 


lack of control by no one in particular at 1:56 PM PST
Sunday, 29 November 2020
On the way down

Emoods. i  🖤  this app. makes tracking my moods... which may not be what i thought. seems that i am again cycling 🤔 as i track my moods daily.

 

cold chills fill me up

rot and decay flood my dreams

the dead call to me but no ones home 

 

 


lack of control by no one in particular at 7:43 PM PST
Friday, 27 November 2020
Somewhat dysfunctional = me = i = destruction
Mood:  down

woke up upon a cold sweat at 230am!

from then on, i couldn't catch my breathe and the pain of a hot red iron pick was shoving its way through my left eye. it was searing through the back and through my brain. i haven't had a migraine like this in forever. i couldn't go back to sleep, the feeling of heat and misery plagued me through the night. 

so, visions raced in my mind... did i shower?  did i need to shower? could anyone hear me as the spike went through my brain? did i imagine this all or was i  dreaming i spoke out about it?

will this pain now drift away or down now to the deep pit of my stomach?

 


lack of control by no one in particular at 1:20 PM PST
Updated: Friday, 27 November 2020 1:21 PM PST
Wednesday, 25 November 2020
Kinda just like this
Now Playing: Nine Inch Nails

Yes, something just like this.  Holidays make me happy and ill at the same time. All i really want is some jack daniel's and that warm feeling from within and the pain to drift away. Even for just one minute. 

No food. Just whiskey and the smooth burn it provides 

 

https://youtu.be/5vbLOEzgr4Y


lack of control by no one in particular at 8:44 PM PST
Updated: Wednesday, 25 November 2020 8:46 PM PST
Tuesday, 24 November 2020
Another round of things i 🖤
Mood:  hug me
Topic: the things i love

It's been, well, sometime since the last time go round.

No one has been really listening of reading this. Oh well, its not for anyone anyway.

In no order...

i love walking in the rain

i love listening to the rain hit and tap repeatedly on my windows 

i love jumping in puddles

i love listening to old tunes that i used to listen to but with good headphones 🎧  and hearing them in new and fascinating ways

i love sleeping with the fan on

i love that i am kind of living out a dream... as im living next to a cemetery! its right behind my condo... though not nearly enough tombstones above ground for my liking

i love falling asleep to dark wave goth tinged music. dark. black. drowns out the voices

i love forgetting to take my meds, the voices inside remind me what i used to see and feel

 i love if i could be in all black ⚫  ... black shirt, black pants, black socks, pirch black shoes .. maybe with a red tie 

 

until i find more time... and things to love 


lack of control by no one in particular at 10:09 PM PST
Updated: Wednesday, 25 November 2020 9:55 PM PST
Monday, 23 November 2020
Again. why... am i here?
Mood:  not sure

This is how 🤔 i 🖤 

far from anything i ever wanted to be. i once thought of the person I could have sworn i was supposed to be. It turned out to be something else. im not a narrasist, my traits though, would at times make it seem that way, though, however misleading.

Rather

 i have found that the unmedicated version of my could be awe inspiring and comfortable. that version wore his heart on his sleeve and felt everything, EVERYTHING! all that was warm, thick and obsessed. pale and black 🔳 🔲  and devoid of space and time. it was there that everything and nothing flourished.  simpler times, fond times.

Reality

i lost control. completely. unhinged and afraid 😨 voices, sight.

 Until again.... 

 


lack of control by no one in particular at 8:24 AM PST
Updated: Monday, 23 November 2020 11:15 PM PST
Sunday, 22 November 2020
I am here again. Why?
Mood:  don't ask

i discovered my login to this blog. Discovered i created this tripod site 11 Jun 2004.

 

 That time in my life was different. Seems far away and also not that long ago. i penned most of what this space was from a computer tower and screen. Taking time to divulge things I'd 😌  never speak of.

i followed the path of an un medicated me. The naive person that i was. In a land of make believe.

 

Now.... all I ask... I why am I here again


lack of control by no one in particular at 7:50 PM PST
Updated: Tuesday, 24 November 2020 9:47 AM PST
Tuesday, 2 February 2016
Cryptic Transmissions_OPERATIONAL
Topic: cryptic writings

regain transmission ....  

 

Another day appears. ..

Yet still, I'm not.

The gaze surprises none. Am i all that i am?

Regress.

 

.... welcome to the fun zone. ...

 

Welcome back

 

.... .. end. ..

... traNsmiSsion  .... 


lack of control by no one in particular at 10:32 PM PST
Updated: Tuesday, 2 February 2016 10:35 PM PST

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