the headache.the stench.the decision
Mood:  irritated
so, hear it is. another post. it's been awhile and i'm can't really state that much has happened. i do, however, believe that i am shedding some of this wonderful belly that i have. i may be lack of eating, sleep and stress. why am i stressed??? not a clue. other than yesturday i can't say that i really feel any frustration or any stress from work or home, least not any that i'm aware of. i'm always feeling that i frustrate myself, although that's nothing new.

i don't have anything set up for today. just going to lounge around and try to do as little as possible so that maybe i can get rid of this headache. the wife has a friend stay with us and some family coming up this weekend... by the by, i HATE fish. the wife's friend didn't know this and decided to cook some last night. i awoke because i started feeling sick.sick.sick.

did i mention that i. HATE.. . .FISH !!!!!
mexican food ROCKS !!

maybe i'll make some taco's tonite.
maybe.

Bipolar Disorders in DSM IV
Bipolar disorder I: Mania and depression
Bipolar disorder II: Depression and hypomania
Severity specifiers for bipolar disorders:
--mild, moderate, severe (with or without psychotic features)
--in partial or full remission
Special syndrome specifiers for bipolar disorder:
--with catatonic, melancholic, or atypical features
--with postpartum onset
Longitudinal course specifiers for bipolar disorder:
--with or without full interepisode recovery
--with seasonal pattern
--with rapid cycling
Bipolar disorder NOS:"soft" bipolar and bipolar spectrum disorders
Cyclothymic disorder:Depressive systoms and hypomanias
Substance-induced mood disorder
Mood disorder due to a general medical condition

that's me... type II
i like to say im ok with that, yet shame comes over me like when the darkness kills the light under the guise of evenings. i used to be on antidepressants, a mood stabilizer and at the beginning, an anti-psychotic, however, i quit those long ago... almost 3 years ago.

i feel that there may be cause for me to go back onto the medication... but i don't know. it's all in my head i guess, well actually, it is i'm told. hmmmmm ... i don't know. i just don't know..... .

some bi-polar information

bi-polar support information

let go let go let go
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: muse - absolution
if i had to say i had a favorite flavor... it would have to be wildberry jack. if i had to say i had a favorite feeling... it would have to be black or dead. im not really sure if black or dead are words that are able to describe feelings, although i feel that way most of the time... either that or extremely thick. thick as in REALLY fat. anyways, as today is my sunday... i have decided to go get some jack daniels country cocktails and since i haven't really had any jack or other alcohol for quite sometime, im feeling pretty unlevel headed.

i got some news from work that may/may not be so good. so, along side of being just plain god damned confused with myself, i am now completely frustrated with what i am supposed to be doing as father, husband and provider. it all buries what and who i thought/think i am. the weight of the world is crushing me.

i will say, though, through all of this torment and fustration... it has helped me to produce alot. i have attempted to channel it all into music, art and word. soon to be coming to the world!!! or at least the one in my head. sooner or later though... ill burst again and have to pick up all the pieces and try to reassemble who i think i am.

growing weaker
sinker deeper
finding nothing
in the bottom of the hole....

alittle somethin' somethin'
generator (short preview)

mind numbing
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: berlin - pleasure victim
as i awoke this morning, i can actually recall about 10 or 11 dreams that i had last night, which is an unusual number of them for me to remember. i haven't remembered so many as 3 since i had been hit by a truck way back in 1984. strange things about these dreams was when i was in them, i kept drifting from 1st person to third. i don't know if thats ever happened to myself before. strange. so... when i started to open my eyes as i laid there in bed... i felt like i was again in 1984/85. literally! so funny that the wife should be listening to berlin. the way i woke up from the dreams, the music, the stillness in the air. .. theres just something about today.

i just can't get over this feeling... ..

as i post this, i still feel like im only looking at the world through eyes of when i was 7 or 8. everything feels like i remember the 80's and was growing up. everything smells like the smells i remember from my childhood. this is a most confusing moment because it is my youngest daughters 1st birthday today. i am very excited because it is her birthday although i am feeling sort of numbed by this whole experience. im not exactly sure if im growing delusional yet again but there is something going on today. it feels extra special not because of the way i awoke, not because it my daughter birthday... just because. i can't explain it. it's quite comforting/confusing/frustrating/irritating/complex .. .. . . which make me feel as mischievious an 8 year old.

wow, like totally awsome test. righteous ranking dude!



jeff spicolli was my uncle... you take the test.. poser!





everyday is the same
everyone is the same
everyday is the same
violent
hear a conflicting sound
hear the arguement loud
everyday
violent

----- the faint/violent from danse macabre

salty wounds
Now Playing: tricky - angels with dirty faces
got home and threw on a band some of you may have missed, professional murder music. great band... anyways... started to feel kinda laid back like i need a good stiff drink, so i put on tricky. boys and girls, for those of you who don't know, tricky was the forefather of the "trip-hop" sound. you know, bands like....
massive attack
portishead
hooverphonic
zero 7

when i get in this mood, which of course i have no control over, i am overcome with sorrow. my mind slips back into a time, least when i remember feeling this way most often, in my late teens/early 2o's. as you may have guessed, i've been quite negative and my self esteem has been in the dumps as of late. i really could use that drink right about now. funny how thought you hadn't thunk come back screaming at you like you *itch slapped them and left them to raise your unborn baby. i feel a change coming over me, yet, the deepest, darkest part has not yet surfaced.

tear out my eyes
feel me to freeze
breathe in the salty air
decide your lies
tear out my eyes
feel teeth my bleed
breathe out the salty air
the wounds will rise
tear out my eyes
in my face.sneeze
light blinds all i see
am i denied
tear out.my.eyes.
do what you please
lost my compasssion
salt the wound.disease
am i.... ah
am i.... ah ah

am i?

it's all just BLAH!!
i'm feeling kinda BLAH... in case you weren't aware of that. neither here, neither there. just BLAH. i'm not really in the mood to do much.

anyways... here's a recent list of music i've been prone to listening to... .

the faint - the conductor (remix)
stabbing westward - the only thing
type o negative - the green light
dave gahan - dirty sticky floors
zero 7 - the waiting line
the sounds - dance with me
radiohead - no surprises
alice in chains - right turn
esthero - lounge
a perfect circle - the outsider
nine inch nails - deep
prodigy - babys got a temper
gravity kills - one thing
story of the year - anthem of our dying day
soft cell - so
blink 182 - all of this
kenna - man fading
6yearsgone - cold killer (shameless plugg)

yea. . .that's it. little bit oh old, little bit of new. think i'll turn this into another mix cd. yea, a rather pleasent idea. oh, here's a brief list of some movies i've recently watched...

tim burton's nightmare before christmas
donnie darko
the city of lost children
memento
se7en
willie wonka and the chocolate factory
the mosquito coast
lord of the flies
lost highway
cool world
the crow
clash of the titans
big fish

each of lists comes from a large enough, yet not, collection. the cd collection is around 1ooo and the dvd ranges around 5oo. throw in your misc. vhs at around 8o and there you have it.

hmmmm.hmmmm.hmmmm.
everything is still feeling BLAH!
blah.
blah.
blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! !!!

blah.

numbing the pain inside my soul
i imagine that there is something more than this.
i imagine that i am more than this.

don't get me wrong. i know happiness, although it resembles alot like this feeling of numbness, only different. when i look into the mirror, i see a person who i don't recognize. they say the eyes are the windows to the soul. if this is true, then my soul must've been sucked away from the countless picture that i was forced to pose for as a child. PLEASE don't anyone take this as someone who is moaning.complaining.whining about their "terrible" childhood, because really i'm not. a medical professional explained to me once that my childhood wasn't the worst, this i know, yet it wasn't all that good either, this too i know. apparently i have this infliction within mine head and sadly enough, i am broken... call it whatever you'd like.

as i write this i am listening to some music. it, along with other things, calms the noise in my head. i guess the thing i'm trying to get out today is that i am feeling so alone. i feel like i am failing at everything again. darkness fills my eyes and my skin feels thick and sticky. i'd tear off my face if only i could get the stink away... like an itch you can stop scratching, or more like one you can't even reach. i am annoyed by my own persons and disgusted that i am not more. my teeth seemingly shrink as my gums feel like they are swelling and swallowing them from back to front.

funny this feeling. it goes down, down, down... up a little, and then back down. a drink would make this easier to digest and maybe submerse the pain....
yet i am without... . .

this is where it falls apart
sitting here.thinking. i am feeling the feelings fleeting. the tiresome length of the days. it feel as if my back has gone numb and the world has continued to spin without me. the truth may be more than i'm willing to except. it's been so long since the last time i felt comfortable in this skin. as i sit and type this i feel myself sinking deeper into the chair... it seems as if evrything else no longer matters and i feel myself drifting further away... like a camera being drawn away from the actor. i want to swallow my tongue and drift back to sleep where the darkness can take me away. i know the reality of it all... i will wake again, feel this way again...

here i stand, 5'9 and 21o lbs of crap. thus begins the fun i'll call "the program". i have begun said program in an effort to lose some, no, alot of this unwanted weight. the paln would be to get back down to at least 18o. we shall see.we shall see.

i have grown tired.