numbing the pain inside my soul
i imagine that there is something more than this.
i imagine that i am more than this.

don't get me wrong. i know happiness, although it resembles alot like this feeling of numbness, only different. when i look into the mirror, i see a person who i don't recognize. they say the eyes are the windows to the soul. if this is true, then my soul must've been sucked away from the countless picture that i was forced to pose for as a child. PLEASE don't anyone take this as someone who is moaning.complaining.whining about their "terrible" childhood, because really i'm not. a medical professional explained to me once that my childhood wasn't the worst, this i know, yet it wasn't all that good either, this too i know. apparently i have this infliction within mine head and sadly enough, i am broken... call it whatever you'd like.

as i write this i am listening to some music. it, along with other things, calms the noise in my head. i guess the thing i'm trying to get out today is that i am feeling so alone. i feel like i am failing at everything again. darkness fills my eyes and my skin feels thick and sticky. i'd tear off my face if only i could get the stink away... like an itch you can stop scratching, or more like one you can't even reach. i am annoyed by my own persons and disgusted that i am not more. my teeth seemingly shrink as my gums feel like they are swelling and swallowing them from back to front.

funny this feeling. it goes down, down, down... up a little, and then back down. a drink would make this easier to digest and maybe submerse the pain....
yet i am without... . .

this is where it falls apart
sitting here.thinking. i am feeling the feelings fleeting. the tiresome length of the days. it feel as if my back has gone numb and the world has continued to spin without me. the truth may be more than i'm willing to except. it's been so long since the last time i felt comfortable in this skin. as i sit and type this i feel myself sinking deeper into the chair... it seems as if evrything else no longer matters and i feel myself drifting further away... like a camera being drawn away from the actor. i want to swallow my tongue and drift back to sleep where the darkness can take me away. i know the reality of it all... i will wake again, feel this way again...

here i stand, 5'9 and 21o lbs of crap. thus begins the fun i'll call "the program". i have begun said program in an effort to lose some, no, alot of this unwanted weight. the paln would be to get back down to at least 18o. we shall see.we shall see.

i have grown tired.