Topic: cryptic writings
START TRANSMISSION -

black and blue....
... beep beep beep ...
so tired to sleep....
... beep beep beep ...
always waiting but for what?
who the hell cares?
so sorry we missed you... .
. . ... although aren't you dead yet?? ??? ?
whats with the 3hird DEgREE?
apoligies to the. ..
wait,
nevermind.
hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooope
is
lost.
forget it all.
.... .. ... ALL OF IT.. .... ..
nothing last forever..
.. ... ... . .. .. .. .. .. . . please press the reset!

- END TRANSMISSION

Topic: the crap i buy
in accordance with my previous posting about this topic i must clarify... this will be about the crap i buy for MYSELF.

today:
citizen cope - the clarence greenwood recordings
2 code red mountain dew 12 oz cans
1 mountain dew 12 oz can
1 double cheeseburger meal minus pickles
listeren pocket strips
1 large bottle of excedrin migrane

yesturday:
1 pair of sketchers sport shoes- black and blue, size 11
4 mountain dew 12 oz cans
1 sprite 20 oz bottle

a life hung on some tragedy
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: sponge - rotting pinata
.... .and the day began with a whimper and stretched LONG into the day. i've been feeling pent up and frustrated lately. maybe i'm getting sick.. .i can feel it moving into my sinuses. my body is starting to feel weak and this lonely feeling comes round, circling me again. in a couple of weeks i get a vacation. YIPPIE! it seems i'm going back down to southern california to visit some in-laws for a week. since i'm not paying for the flight, i guess i'll fly.... although i'm DEATHLY afraid i'll fall out of the sky. who knows, maybe. i've been thinking that if i had had a way to make time stand still, i would have... as i'm sure everyone would have at some point in their lives.
i've been dreaming of shallow waters yet they seem deep because i can vaguely see, beneath the surface, something which can not be described. it startles me as it seems MUCH deeper but only comes to my ankles.. .and the sitting water is always in some place from my youth... which again puzzles me. some places i KNOW existed and experiences i KNOW i had while others, well, i'm just not sure if they were real or if i imagined they were real.
tonite, i'll just drift of into the abyss that is my mind and hope i don't wake up, or realize that i have..... .
.. . i feel like crying now... .. ..
oh, the pain of being pathetic.
i am.

new topic!
Topic: the crap i buy
just thought of this.... hmmmm. GENIUS! everything that i buy throughout the day shall be posted here. oh great wonders of the world.

bored drum beats me down
Mood:  irritated
hmmm.. well, my overnite stint and work is now complete. i worked my ass off the last 2 nites and ended up staying awake for at least 30 hrs the other day. feeling the sleep deprivation sink in, i decided to have some drinks.. . ahhh daddy juice. anyways, feeling a bit, oh "loopy". . .i went and blew some money on some recent dvds and cds.

the killers - hot fuss
the prodigy - always outnumbered, never outgunned
the faint - blank wave arcade
the faint - wet from birth
rock against bush - Vol. 2
ultra danse music - Vol. 4
bjork - medulla
sammy hagar - best of

the passion of the christ
the punisher
invader zim - Vol. 2
aqua teen hunger force - Vol. 1
aqua teen hunger force - Vol. 2
fraggle rock - where it all began

so, normally i don't just go out and buy this much crap. . .but what can i say.... IT HAD TO HAPPEN!
anyways, snow is REALLY in the forcast in the next couple of days, on this, my 4 day weekend. YIPPIE for me.. .. i have no plans!
if indeed it does in fact snow... i'll have to post it. or maybe not.
feeling cryptic soon. ... ..

anticipation grows
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: mtv2.com streaming: the faint - wet from birth
very excitied! new the faint album out tomorrow!! mtv2.com has been streaming it since last tuesday. everyday. EVERYDAY! they truely are one of the greatest underground bands! LOVE THEM!
i am also looking forward to the new the prodigy album tomorrow, always outnumbered, never outgunned. i have downloaded the mp3 version of it, so of course i'll buy it. . .the quality on a cd is noticable to me.
snow should be coming soon.
. ... the 1st day of fall is the 22nd.. ..
everything dies.

,,,,why, why would i
,,,,who could know the way
,,,,would you, you please
,,,,remember the way in which i tried
,,,,aloud
,,,,
,,,,aloud
,,,,
,,,
,,
,
,

buttered toast!

moment of silence

half truths and whole lies pt. 2
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: ultra dance vol. 4
so, got a haircut yesterday and i don't feel any better. actually, i feel a bit worse.
it might just be that i'm having a bit of a down spell.
maybe it's just me being me.
my hairline seems to be creeping to the back of my neck.
sad.
sad, sad, sad.
the lady at the (name withheld) pitched this insane idea of this crazy hair regenerate thing.. .supposed to make your head really red when you use it, crazy 400% oxygen to your hair follicles or something.
i don't know,
maybe i'll give it a go.
maybe.

half truths and whole lies
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: linkin park - reanimation
going to get a haircut today, actually, in about an hour.... because i forgot who i am.
questions running through my mind this very second and almost everyday (least within the past 3 weeks):

who am i?
what do i like to do?
what is my favorite color?
what do i like to eat?
what makes me happy?
what do i do for "fun"?
what do i want from myself?
what do i live for?
when was the last time i felt "good"?
why am i not a better person?
why do i upset my family?
who am i?
what is "self worth"?
where has my life gone?
has my life gone off without me?
does anyone care?
why don't i care?

i really have forgotten who i am. i see me but i don't know who he is. i don't even know where he came from. a plastic face. a vinyl front to please a crowd... for no one. swallow it all down and push forward. jaded, are the cracks beginning to show?

i'm going to get a haircut, whether i like it or not!

mish mash jumbo jambo
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: zero 7 - simple things
there isn't any words to describe the way i feel at the moment... i have sedated myself with a good friend... music and jack daniels. the wife went bowling with a friend and my oldest daughter. girls nite out i guess. myself and violet (my youngest) played and shared a chicken sand which. hmmmm hmmm good!
i've been thinking about the past, present and future. as for the past. . .i ,like alot of people, wish i could have it back. i miss it so.... you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone. (or so a GREAT hair band once sang). as for the present. .. .it seems to be like a blink or a shout. . .i don't really appreciate it, nor do i take full advantage of it. i just let it slip by... then regret it when it becomes the past. and as for the future. . . .who needs it ... . if it come, it comes. . .if it doesn't . . .OH FUCKING WELL. kill them all and let your god sort them out.

speaking of god.. . i recently bought, the passion of the christ, yet haven't had the chance to watch it yet.. .. although i know how it ends so it kind of ruins the movie for me.

man. . . i'm going to burn for that one.

hmmm. a random thought?

i miss you!

last
sow the seeds, sad little worms....
. ... for the farther comes nearer.
patience.

it's been awhile for time and time again i see failure. many, MANY, many long tiresome hours of work. no rest for the wicked they say. i'd suppose that 13o+ hours a week is pretty long, although, if it's really not... let me know. i almost forgot what the wife and kids looked like. the days, as you'd suspect, rolled into one. it was more stressful and hectic than inventory time. remodels SUCK! but the store looks brand new now and VERY beautiful.. very nice for a 1o year b-day.

lately i've been experiencing things in 3rd person. can't say that i'm happy nor sad really. if there was a scale from 1 to 10 and i'd have to place where and how i feel with my present situation, i couldn't. i feel like i'm just going through the motions again. slow motion daydreams only this feels like a nightmare. i feel out of control and i'm working to control the things i can but only a class 3 meltdown will inevitably happen.

KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMM! !. . . . ....

think i'll get a haircut.

Mood:  blue
Now Playing: interpol - turn on the bright lights
Topic: sounds like it was for me
Song: PDA

Yours is the only version of my desertion that I could ever subscribe to
That is all that I can do
You are a past dinner, the last winner, I'm raping all around me
Until the last drop is behind you
But you're so cute when you're frustrated, dear
Yeah, you're so cute when you're sedated, dear, oh yes dear

Sleep tight, grim rite, we have two hundred couches where you can...
Sleep tight, grim rite, we have two hundred couches where you can
Sleep tonight,
Sleep tonight,
Sleep tonight,
Sleep tonight.

You are the only person who's completely certain there's nothing here to be into
That is all that you can do
You are a past sinner, the last winner, and everything we've come to makes you you

But you cannot safely say that while I will be away, you will not consider sadly
How you helped me to stray
And you will not reach me I am
resenting a position that's past resentment and now
I can't consider,
and now there is this distance, so...

Sleep tight, grim rite, we have two hundred couches where you can...
Sleep tight, grim rite, we have two hundred couches where you can
Sleep tonight,
Sleep tonight,
Sleep tonight,
Sleep tonight.

the hum drum
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: interpol - turn on the bright lights
.... . .. sleep tight. grim rite. we have two hundred couches where you can sleep tonight. sleep tonight. sleep tonight. .. .. ..

here is a current list of what is in my cd player:

interpol
the killers
chronic future
trapt
chevelle
my chemical romance
scissor sisters
the prodigy
massive attack
secret machines
mudvayne
rob zombie
the sounds
self
sammy hager

anyways, wasn't sure what to post about. work is KILLING me. got me doing triple shifts... long loooooooong days. vacation in october. can't wait for fall to start. everything dies.

Topic: cryptic writings
START TRANSMISSION -

i still remember the gleam in her eyes...
.. the sparkle in her face .... .
the way she smelled.
the way in which she moved me.
... .. the crease where her top and bottom lips touched...
. .. .oh. ..... ooohhhhhhhh those angel soft lips.
her top lip. so fine... ..
so sharp and fine it would slice through butter..... ... but better, my heart.
. .. her bottom lip, pouting.. ... .
i remember.. . off in a daze, longing, MUCH like now... to watch her talk,
lost in those lips ... .. oblivious. .. .
oblivious to everything.

angel soft her porcelain skin.
tiny hands... so soft... .
she was everything.
my mind would flutter in and out.... .
.. . day dreams and living in the moment.
i remember the way she fluttered her eyes.....
. .. the innocence .. . the elegance.
tangled up and we'd miss the rain,
pounding on the roof...
my heart would pound me down for her.... .
her eyes glistened like the sun caught in the mornings mist...
.. so bright and sad... .
i'd long for her so long i'd thought i'd died,
and really,
at times,
for love....
it felt like i did.

i'd watch from a far as the tears rolled down my cheeks..... .
counting the clicks of the clock.. .
clicks that ate away at my soul... .
until i felt her warm embrace again.
the wholeness.
the way she felt right in my arms,
the way she made the world go away,
the way her hair felt pressed against the side of my face.... ..
. .. she made silence comfortable.. ..
and the loneliness feel warm.. . . . . . .....
to feel the warmth.. .
. . .. . .. ..

- END TRANSMISSION

on and on and on and on and on. .. ..
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: massive attack - 1ooth window
well, it's been a week already, again. not much has happened. working alot lately... around 60+ hrs a week and with split days off, it seems like alot more. my 27th birthday was yesturday. yippie for me! i hate birthdays, not much goes on... just like any other day... not fun. anyways... gotta run... kids are going crazy.... my 3 year old likes to use sharpie on her sister and her sister is more than happy to let her.... ..
hmmmmm.. .now that i think of it, it is kinda cute.
i'm off tomorrow and, oh wait.... the wife and girls got me a badass jack daniels flask! it's pretty fuckin' tight! also, everyone at work.. .ALL DAY ... told and sang me happy birthday... must mean they actually like me. heee. heee.

tomorrow... a new cryptic writing. for you. and me. enjoy.

Topic: cryptic writings
START TRANSMISSION -

black hearts lust
a symptom of the weakened flesh
sour, soft, wet.
sweet sweat drips down.

absinthe makes the heart grow fonder

oranges and red lights glow yellow,
danse your life aways away.
almost enough to make believe the lie.
beautiful mourning glow.
a heart beat to the pulse of the sound of a thousands screaming dreams....
. . . .the drum drum bangs BANGS.. ....

story's of loss and of love

throat tightens
and a wayward empty smiles,
gnashing teeth to bare bones.
bodies upon the floor.
hers' is mine.
the devil may cry.
beneath the floor....
... . .beneath the stench of lust .... ..
... .. ..... .. beneath the still beating heart.. ..

thump.... . thump. ... ... thump. . ... thump. ..

paper angels.
magic mystical fairies.
a truer truth to be told besets you.
is not it mine?
a growth now appears,
picking at the scab reveals a scar.
IT GROWS.. .
. .. . and grows.. ..
darker.
darker.
darker still.

purple pattern's emerge to beat it down.
so sorry for the inconvenience.

- END TRANSMISSION

sadderday afternoon is my mourning
Mood:  lazy
so,
i awoke periodical last nite. i figure i am now finally really awake. i got out of bed around an hour or two ago. think i'll have a few drinks again tonite. anyways... no overhang, so i'm a-ok. i have yet to shower so i am DEFIANTLY feeling a bit lazy. a bit like a sunday mourning, easy.

walking down the wal*mart clearance aisle yesterday, my keen eye spotted a box which contained a game entitled,"Pitch Six", it's a card game. now, i have previously seen this game but never thought to pick it up or check it out... however, it seem to be calling out to me... and the $1.5o clearance tag looked mighty enticing. it was sure to be a bargain at twice the price. (i'm sometimes pretty easy to amuse and please)

so i pick up the game.. ."Stake your claim and take the lead. But watch you back, they're out to get you!". the box WAS calling out to me, and i thought..., "how the hell did these damned toy makers get into my head and can they see me now?". as paranoia started to set.. i flip the box over to discover this..
FOR ADULTS(yippie, i'm in luck
number of player: 3 to 6
time to learn: 10 min. (about my attention span)
time to play: 30 min
it's meant to be for adult yet i never picked it up before because it had the outer appearance that it was intended for small children's.

back to the back.
as i continue on with the description on the back it says..."... .. You decide. Six cards, six tricks, and a possible six points." 666. . .. as i realize this, i feel like i have just come out of a coma. THE GAME IS MINE!

the point of this is a very VERY important life lessons:

1. that toy makers are indeed sneaky crooked sick bastards.
2. the devil is real and enjoys a good card game.
and
3. the home of parker brothers in is in hell and they can see into you mind and know that you know that they know that you know they can read your mind.

DAMNED GYPSIES !!!

weekend forcast
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: the mild sounds of the fan blowing on high
it's sadderday mourning.

so, i really haven't felt this way in quite some time.. ..intoxicated! well, i have a WONDERFUL 3 day weekend and have felt quite the pressure on me as of late. so. . . a glass, some ice, a coke, mr. jack daniels and myself had a date this evening, well, actually yesterday. we met on 8 different occasions in a 3 hour period... my, he is quite a feisty one that jack. oh, it's hmmm hmm, good.

why am i writing this crap down and waisting internet space. .. .?? ??? ? I DON"T KNOW!! thought i might have had something important to say. guess not... my 27th b-day is coming up and i still feeel no older than 18.. .. damn. .. there goes the tingling in my finger....
FUCK!!!!!!!
i give up.. ... ..
. .. . .. . .. i'll go make another and hopefully i'll pass out soon.

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!

amen..... wait.... i'm not all that religious....

never mind.

Topic: cryptic writings
START TRANSMISSION -

and it is all she said...
the running vast abyss of loneliness,
despair,
disarray,
desire.
desire?
desire!
DE-SIR-E !! !

could it be because it already is?
... .. . . is not what it once was or could be.
. . ..because it just. . . . .doesn't .. . .
....................... . . .. . . .. . . care.
... and who should?
not me.
not you.
not them nor their peers.
peeping tom.

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10. .. . .
.. . start all over again. . ..
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8
1,3,4,2,4,5,6,
,3,2,3,,23,2,3,23,2,3,2,3,24,2,3,45,23,4523,4
a motive would prove useful.
use full advantage of the passion.
give it all to me, myself and i.

eye for an eye.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ha.

and so it was on. ... ..
off.
on,
off.
(cough)
thank you!

- END TRANSMISSION

Mood:  sad
Now Playing: page avenue - story of the year
Topic: sounds like it was for me
song: until the day i die

as years go by i race the clock with you,
but if you die right now,
you know that i'd die too,
i'd die too.

you remind me of the times when i knew who i was,
but stillthe second hand will catch us like it always does.

we'll make the same mistakes,
i'll take the fall for you,
i hopebyou need this now
'cause i still do

until the day i die-i'll spill my heart for you.

should i bite my tongue
until blood soaks my shirt?
we'll never fall apart,
so tell me why this hurts so much.

my hands around your throat
and i think i hate you,
but we'll say "remember when"
just like we always do,
like we always do.

until the day i die-i'll spill my heart for you.

my hands around your throat and i think i hate you.
we made the same mistakes,
mistakes like friends do.
my hands around your throat and i think i hate you.
we made the same mistakes,
made the same mistakes.

until the day i die-i'll spill my heart for you.