numbing the pain inside my soul
i imagine that there is something more than this.
i imagine that i am more than this.

don't get me wrong. i know happiness, although it resembles alot like this feeling of numbness, only different. when i look into the mirror, i see a person who i don't recognize. they say the eyes are the windows to the soul. if this is true, then my soul must've been sucked away from the countless picture that i was forced to pose for as a child. PLEASE don't anyone take this as someone who is moaning.complaining.whining about their "terrible" childhood, because really i'm not. a medical professional explained to me once that my childhood wasn't the worst, this i know, yet it wasn't all that good either, this too i know. apparently i have this infliction within mine head and sadly enough, i am broken... call it whatever you'd like.

as i write this i am listening to some music. it, along with other things, calms the noise in my head. i guess the thing i'm trying to get out today is that i am feeling so alone. i feel like i am failing at everything again. darkness fills my eyes and my skin feels thick and sticky. i'd tear off my face if only i could get the stink away... like an itch you can stop scratching, or more like one you can't even reach. i am annoyed by my own persons and disgusted that i am not more. my teeth seemingly shrink as my gums feel like they are swelling and swallowing them from back to front.

funny this feeling. it goes down, down, down... up a little, and then back down. a drink would make this easier to digest and maybe submerse the pain....
yet i am without... . .