half truths and whole lies pt. 2
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: ultra dance vol. 4
so, got a haircut yesterday and i don't feel any better. actually, i feel a bit worse.
it might just be that i'm having a bit of a down spell.
maybe it's just me being me.
my hairline seems to be creeping to the back of my neck.
sad.
sad, sad, sad.
the lady at the (name withheld) pitched this insane idea of this crazy hair regenerate thing.. .supposed to make your head really red when you use it, crazy 400% oxygen to your hair follicles or something.
i don't know,
maybe i'll give it a go.
maybe.

half truths and whole lies
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: linkin park - reanimation
going to get a haircut today, actually, in about an hour.... because i forgot who i am.
questions running through my mind this very second and almost everyday (least within the past 3 weeks):

who am i?
what do i like to do?
what is my favorite color?
what do i like to eat?
what makes me happy?
what do i do for "fun"?
what do i want from myself?
what do i live for?
when was the last time i felt "good"?
why am i not a better person?
why do i upset my family?
who am i?
what is "self worth"?
where has my life gone?
has my life gone off without me?
does anyone care?
why don't i care?

i really have forgotten who i am. i see me but i don't know who he is. i don't even know where he came from. a plastic face. a vinyl front to please a crowd... for no one. swallow it all down and push forward. jaded, are the cracks beginning to show?

i'm going to get a haircut, whether i like it or not!

mish mash jumbo jambo
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: zero 7 - simple things
there isn't any words to describe the way i feel at the moment... i have sedated myself with a good friend... music and jack daniels. the wife went bowling with a friend and my oldest daughter. girls nite out i guess. myself and violet (my youngest) played and shared a chicken sand which. hmmmm hmmm good!
i've been thinking about the past, present and future. as for the past. . .i ,like alot of people, wish i could have it back. i miss it so.... you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone. (or so a GREAT hair band once sang). as for the present. .. .it seems to be like a blink or a shout. . .i don't really appreciate it, nor do i take full advantage of it. i just let it slip by... then regret it when it becomes the past. and as for the future. . . .who needs it ... . if it come, it comes. . .if it doesn't . . .OH FUCKING WELL. kill them all and let your god sort them out.

speaking of god.. . i recently bought, the passion of the christ, yet haven't had the chance to watch it yet.. .. although i know how it ends so it kind of ruins the movie for me.

man. . . i'm going to burn for that one.

hmmm. a random thought?

i miss you!

last
sow the seeds, sad little worms....
. ... for the farther comes nearer.
patience.

it's been awhile for time and time again i see failure. many, MANY, many long tiresome hours of work. no rest for the wicked they say. i'd suppose that 13o+ hours a week is pretty long, although, if it's really not... let me know. i almost forgot what the wife and kids looked like. the days, as you'd suspect, rolled into one. it was more stressful and hectic than inventory time. remodels SUCK! but the store looks brand new now and VERY beautiful.. very nice for a 1o year b-day.

lately i've been experiencing things in 3rd person. can't say that i'm happy nor sad really. if there was a scale from 1 to 10 and i'd have to place where and how i feel with my present situation, i couldn't. i feel like i'm just going through the motions again. slow motion daydreams only this feels like a nightmare. i feel out of control and i'm working to control the things i can but only a class 3 meltdown will inevitably happen.

KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMM! !. . . . ....

think i'll get a haircut.

Mood:  blue
Now Playing: interpol - turn on the bright lights
Topic: sounds like it was for me
Song: PDA

Yours is the only version of my desertion that I could ever subscribe to
That is all that I can do
You are a past dinner, the last winner, I'm raping all around me
Until the last drop is behind you
But you're so cute when you're frustrated, dear
Yeah, you're so cute when you're sedated, dear, oh yes dear

Sleep tight, grim rite, we have two hundred couches where you can...
Sleep tight, grim rite, we have two hundred couches where you can
Sleep tonight,
Sleep tonight,
Sleep tonight,
Sleep tonight.

You are the only person who's completely certain there's nothing here to be into
That is all that you can do
You are a past sinner, the last winner, and everything we've come to makes you you

But you cannot safely say that while I will be away, you will not consider sadly
How you helped me to stray
And you will not reach me I am
resenting a position that's past resentment and now
I can't consider,
and now there is this distance, so...

Sleep tight, grim rite, we have two hundred couches where you can...
Sleep tight, grim rite, we have two hundred couches where you can
Sleep tonight,
Sleep tonight,
Sleep tonight,
Sleep tonight.

the hum drum
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: interpol - turn on the bright lights
.... . .. sleep tight. grim rite. we have two hundred couches where you can sleep tonight. sleep tonight. sleep tonight. .. .. ..

here is a current list of what is in my cd player:

interpol
the killers
chronic future
trapt
chevelle
my chemical romance
scissor sisters
the prodigy
massive attack
secret machines
mudvayne
rob zombie
the sounds
self
sammy hager

anyways, wasn't sure what to post about. work is KILLING me. got me doing triple shifts... long loooooooong days. vacation in october. can't wait for fall to start. everything dies.

Topic: cryptic writings
START TRANSMISSION -

i still remember the gleam in her eyes...
.. the sparkle in her face .... .
the way she smelled.
the way in which she moved me.
... .. the crease where her top and bottom lips touched...
. .. .oh. ..... ooohhhhhhhh those angel soft lips.
her top lip. so fine... ..
so sharp and fine it would slice through butter..... ... but better, my heart.
. .. her bottom lip, pouting.. ... .
i remember.. . off in a daze, longing, MUCH like now... to watch her talk,
lost in those lips ... .. oblivious. .. .
oblivious to everything.

angel soft her porcelain skin.
tiny hands... so soft... .
she was everything.
my mind would flutter in and out.... .
.. . day dreams and living in the moment.
i remember the way she fluttered her eyes.....
. .. the innocence .. . the elegance.
tangled up and we'd miss the rain,
pounding on the roof...
my heart would pound me down for her.... .
her eyes glistened like the sun caught in the mornings mist...
.. so bright and sad... .
i'd long for her so long i'd thought i'd died,
and really,
at times,
for love....
it felt like i did.

i'd watch from a far as the tears rolled down my cheeks..... .
counting the clicks of the clock.. .
clicks that ate away at my soul... .
until i felt her warm embrace again.
the wholeness.
the way she felt right in my arms,
the way she made the world go away,
the way her hair felt pressed against the side of my face.... ..
. .. she made silence comfortable.. ..
and the loneliness feel warm.. . . . . . .....
to feel the warmth.. .
. . .. . .. ..

- END TRANSMISSION

on and on and on and on and on. .. ..
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: massive attack - 1ooth window
well, it's been a week already, again. not much has happened. working alot lately... around 60+ hrs a week and with split days off, it seems like alot more. my 27th birthday was yesturday. yippie for me! i hate birthdays, not much goes on... just like any other day... not fun. anyways... gotta run... kids are going crazy.... my 3 year old likes to use sharpie on her sister and her sister is more than happy to let her.... ..
hmmmmm.. .now that i think of it, it is kinda cute.
i'm off tomorrow and, oh wait.... the wife and girls got me a badass jack daniels flask! it's pretty fuckin' tight! also, everyone at work.. .ALL DAY ... told and sang me happy birthday... must mean they actually like me. heee. heee.

tomorrow... a new cryptic writing. for you. and me. enjoy.

Topic: cryptic writings
START TRANSMISSION -

black hearts lust
a symptom of the weakened flesh
sour, soft, wet.
sweet sweat drips down.

absinthe makes the heart grow fonder

oranges and red lights glow yellow,
danse your life aways away.
almost enough to make believe the lie.
beautiful mourning glow.
a heart beat to the pulse of the sound of a thousands screaming dreams....
. . . .the drum drum bangs BANGS.. ....

story's of loss and of love

throat tightens
and a wayward empty smiles,
gnashing teeth to bare bones.
bodies upon the floor.
hers' is mine.
the devil may cry.
beneath the floor....
... . .beneath the stench of lust .... ..
... .. ..... .. beneath the still beating heart.. ..

thump.... . thump. ... ... thump. . ... thump. ..

paper angels.
magic mystical fairies.
a truer truth to be told besets you.
is not it mine?
a growth now appears,
picking at the scab reveals a scar.
IT GROWS.. .
. .. . and grows.. ..
darker.
darker.
darker still.

purple pattern's emerge to beat it down.
so sorry for the inconvenience.

- END TRANSMISSION

sadderday afternoon is my mourning
Mood:  lazy
so,
i awoke periodical last nite. i figure i am now finally really awake. i got out of bed around an hour or two ago. think i'll have a few drinks again tonite. anyways... no overhang, so i'm a-ok. i have yet to shower so i am DEFIANTLY feeling a bit lazy. a bit like a sunday mourning, easy.

walking down the wal*mart clearance aisle yesterday, my keen eye spotted a box which contained a game entitled,"Pitch Six", it's a card game. now, i have previously seen this game but never thought to pick it up or check it out... however, it seem to be calling out to me... and the $1.5o clearance tag looked mighty enticing. it was sure to be a bargain at twice the price. (i'm sometimes pretty easy to amuse and please)

so i pick up the game.. ."Stake your claim and take the lead. But watch you back, they're out to get you!". the box WAS calling out to me, and i thought..., "how the hell did these damned toy makers get into my head and can they see me now?". as paranoia started to set.. i flip the box over to discover this..
FOR ADULTS(yippie, i'm in luck
number of player: 3 to 6
time to learn: 10 min. (about my attention span)
time to play: 30 min
it's meant to be for adult yet i never picked it up before because it had the outer appearance that it was intended for small children's.

back to the back.
as i continue on with the description on the back it says..."... .. You decide. Six cards, six tricks, and a possible six points." 666. . .. as i realize this, i feel like i have just come out of a coma. THE GAME IS MINE!

the point of this is a very VERY important life lessons:

1. that toy makers are indeed sneaky crooked sick bastards.
2. the devil is real and enjoys a good card game.
and
3. the home of parker brothers in is in hell and they can see into you mind and know that you know that they know that you know they can read your mind.

DAMNED GYPSIES !!!

weekend forcast
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: the mild sounds of the fan blowing on high
it's sadderday mourning.

so, i really haven't felt this way in quite some time.. ..intoxicated! well, i have a WONDERFUL 3 day weekend and have felt quite the pressure on me as of late. so. . . a glass, some ice, a coke, mr. jack daniels and myself had a date this evening, well, actually yesterday. we met on 8 different occasions in a 3 hour period... my, he is quite a feisty one that jack. oh, it's hmmm hmm, good.

why am i writing this crap down and waisting internet space. .. .?? ??? ? I DON"T KNOW!! thought i might have had something important to say. guess not... my 27th b-day is coming up and i still feeel no older than 18.. .. damn. .. there goes the tingling in my finger....
FUCK!!!!!!!
i give up.. ... ..
. .. . .. . .. i'll go make another and hopefully i'll pass out soon.

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!

amen..... wait.... i'm not all that religious....

never mind.

Topic: cryptic writings
START TRANSMISSION -

and it is all she said...
the running vast abyss of loneliness,
despair,
disarray,
desire.
desire?
desire!
DE-SIR-E !! !

could it be because it already is?
... .. . . is not what it once was or could be.
. . ..because it just. . . . .doesn't .. . .
....................... . . .. . . .. . . care.
... and who should?
not me.
not you.
not them nor their peers.
peeping tom.

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10. .. . .
.. . start all over again. . ..
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8
1,3,4,2,4,5,6,
,3,2,3,,23,2,3,23,2,3,2,3,24,2,3,45,23,4523,4
a motive would prove useful.
use full advantage of the passion.
give it all to me, myself and i.

eye for an eye.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ha.

and so it was on. ... ..
off.
on,
off.
(cough)
thank you!

- END TRANSMISSION

Mood:  sad
Now Playing: page avenue - story of the year
Topic: sounds like it was for me
song: until the day i die

as years go by i race the clock with you,
but if you die right now,
you know that i'd die too,
i'd die too.

you remind me of the times when i knew who i was,
but stillthe second hand will catch us like it always does.

we'll make the same mistakes,
i'll take the fall for you,
i hopebyou need this now
'cause i still do

until the day i die-i'll spill my heart for you.

should i bite my tongue
until blood soaks my shirt?
we'll never fall apart,
so tell me why this hurts so much.

my hands around your throat
and i think i hate you,
but we'll say "remember when"
just like we always do,
like we always do.

until the day i die-i'll spill my heart for you.

my hands around your throat and i think i hate you.
we made the same mistakes,
mistakes like friends do.
my hands around your throat and i think i hate you.
we made the same mistakes,
made the same mistakes.

until the day i die-i'll spill my heart for you.

eltiT
Mood:  suave
Now Playing: october rust - type o negative
so so... here it is that we meet again. strange wondrous days days ahead.

i was thinking about the scar that stretches across my right check... then i began thinking about the other scar across my left index finger.. that one i personally did to myself at the tender age of 1o or something. with the new found straight razor i attempted to cut up some cardboard but instead, ran it directly over my finger. it (the scar) tingles every now and again... maybe from nerve damage although i think it is because it (the scar) doesn't want me to forget it (the scar). the scar on my cheek came from an accident around the same time in age only i fell face first into an old sprinkler thingy.. .. ripped my face wide open... that scar doesn't tingle, it reminds me by causing my cheek a bit of pain every now and again.

so. . .where was i? oh yes. i remember...
i was thinking about why i was soooooo accident prone... and this is how i got to naming the blog, "life is killing me" .. . because it is. here we go.... in about the order they happened..

- i fall down a flight of stairs in my walker from the 2nd story of an apartment complex
- i drink a 1/4 bottle of drain-o
- i poop out a mysterious cross (where it came from or how i swallowed it. . no one knows!)
- i staple my fingers together in 1st grade
- i throughout 3 years, slam my poor hand in the car door 4 times
- i fall down those same stairs in a pair of cowboy boots
- i break the "growth bone" in my right arm (approx. near your wrist)
- i almost cut my fingers off in a pair of garden sheers
- i slice my finger open with a straight razor
- i fall face first into a garden sprinkler thingy
- i get hit by a truck.. .while crossing the street (results in a fractured skull, you can still see a dime sized bald spot on the back of my head and feel the weekend skull cracks)
- i shoot a 1/2 inch staple into my hand (opps)
- i roll a volkswagon 15 times
- i get alcohol poisoning (can't move for 3 days)
- i od on alcohol, sleeping pills, aspirin and anti- depressants
- i get sideswiped by a car going 6o in a 25 mph zone while at a standstill

anyways , the list goes on and i am missing a few things here and there... i hate the morning.

what the hell did i just post about... .? ?? ?? ??
anyways.. .hope it was insightful.

1 last thing... the lyrics to my most favoritest song off this type o negative album

in praise of bacchus
hey bacchus
she hates me
hey bacchus
she hates me

the street lamps light a wet old red
hook road
a furry vino tinted slave
molten oil painted brooklyn bridge
(cobblestone grave)

a lonely blue girl guards the river bed
she shakes her brown torch at the tide
on pier six we'd creep and count the cracks
(side by side, see, we're counting cracks)

your mother was out wearing herself
inside
i'll stop the train to say hello
a used boyfriend's just bought her this
new car
(i said i know)

-togetherburn-

she said burn
together
burn
we'll burn together

now don't believe she'll never leave
again
i can't forget the words she said back
when

she said burn
we'll burn together

Topic: the things i love
of all the things i've come to know.. i'd have to say this...

i love the darkness
i love dark brooding emotional music ie: bands such as type o negative, the faint, new order, nine inch nails, soft cell, kraftwerk, gary newman, alice in chains, depeche mode, orgy, marilyn manson, disturbed, my life with the thrill kill kult, the cure, etc.
i love the cold, cold and falling snow and the feeling of seediness it causes
i love the color black
i love the color red
i love the feeling of being alone
i love the dead, they are GREAT listener and don't interrupt or talk back
i love a good mall
i love long drives alone in small cars on late nites on wet roads
i love the days i can never have back
i love the late evening sunset and the oranges and reds it produces
i love sunday mourning's
i love friday nites
i love absinthe
i love jack daniels
i love to sleep in the heat
i love the feeling of flesh
i love the macabre thoughts that make up who i am and i love that i do not speak them
i love the burning sensation i get when i don't eat
i love mexican foods
i love getting lost in a memory
i love waiting for the mail to come
i love to write music, poems, lyrics and draw


. . . .... there is more. .. along with a list of things i hate.... but those may come later...

Topic: cryptic writings
START TRANSMISSION -

long cold nite.
buried it long ago deep inside.
anything i'll do....
anything?
... .. . .. . .. ....... . . .. . ... .. . ANYthinG.
life life love live life life love
a find is to butter
as the blind is to smother
and cover
and disguise
and repent
and forgive
forget
forget
forget
.............. . . . .. ... 4gotten?

within each flake of new fallen snow
did she arise within new face
so glad are we
almost like it was always meant to be.
a natural gift?
the naturally gifted have no say in the complications of the flesh and the sins of the heart.
blackest is mine.
blackest is my most inner thought: disguised to me myself alone.

as i thought.. . i sat to think about it.
it? apossibility
of the truest blue .... .. ..
.. .. .. . .. . skies did fall. .. .. .
. .. .. arrows in the spine. ... .. .. .. . . . .
. .. . ... . . we need the wood for the fire.. .. ..
. . . godsend me an angel... ... .. . . .
. . ...... . crimson lips. .. . .. .. .. .. .. . . .
. . ... .. . .. . . pale whitest skin. .. .. . ...
.. .. . .wings of fire and temptations wings can't i not shake? ? ?????? ?

shaken not stirred.

PAUSE
(ringing ... ... ringing. .. ... ringing. .. .)
silence waits....
. .. sits and stares.. .. .. . .. .. .. . . .
to whom am i speaking?
"i speak not for i am without". ..
without? without what? a tongue? a mouth?
"foolish and irrational... sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep"
i sssssee sooooo i. . i .. uhhhhhhhhhh
(falls asleep)
REDIAL
(ringing ... ... ringing. .. ... ringing. .. .)
HANG UP

- END TRANSMISSION

new "poetry"
Topic: the artist within?
new poem... check it out!

my head binds,
twisted in lies,
deceives me in time.

promises were, always and should never be.
promises are all but fondled and broken.

ringing in the hall,
for me to run to and fall,
i have always been blind.

a lovers trip did pay the toll and how.
a lovers heart decayed in mold, sour and cold.

lost in a haze,
foolish and amazed,
the crowd chants and then fades.

a heart to a still born life in a shallow man.
a heart left to bleed out, drained and blow away with the sand.

- the blind mans insight

my heart is trapped in my crainium
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: la sexorsito : devil music vol. I - white zombie
tell you what... my head feels like i weighs 1oo time heavier than normal. my nose bleeds have stopped for the last 2 days although i have these TERRIBLE migraines now. i also think that i keep seeing these bright, quick flashes of lights... and my right eye has started to blur again. it is all very irritating so i suppose, i am irritated with myself. work has my days split off now so thats not really any fun... but then if it was. .. would it be work? powerful!
i can feel each and every pulse in my head from this lame heart of mine.
compliments and pity need not apply.
a sure fire remedy would be to sleep but that can't go on forever. ah yes, i know... cold stone. mmmm mmm. for dinner: jack and coke.
aww crap. shouldn't of said that.. .. oh well.

it's familiar to everybody again
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: schoolhouse rocks DVD
well, here it goes so far for the day:
my daughter trinity told me that i am HELLBOY. she said,"look daddy, that's you on tv... you are the best daddy and i missed you so much i have to swim and you swim and .... hey! you ate all my pretzels.... that's you on tv dad (hellboy appears on screen again) i love you the best daddy."
crazy little girl... shes always thinking i'm on tv or some cd or dvd cover.
also, she was VERY excited because i got her a curious george dvd, only $5.50 at your local wal*mart. trinity is watching the schoolhouse rocks dvd, she knows almost all the songs now and she really likes it. i used to read her edgar allen poe before she went to bed, that or sometime some of the original grimm brother tales.... i'd like her to be more well rounded than myself... although i'd never push her to do anything.

ok... good day so far.
now a recap of the last week:
. ... moved in the new place saturday afternoon so i could go back to work sunday. the house is slowly coming back together... living room and bedrooms are almost unpacked, the kitchen is a mess.... and then trinity put 2 things of fish food into the tank and almost killed the fish again.. . opps .
works is kinda rough, it's been like hell week with all the people i used to work with, they still want to think i'm, "that goofy guy". all i know is to take it with baby steps, they'll get the picture soon enough. the stress level seems to have calmed down alittle, so that's a good sign. NOT a good sign- i seem to be having a problem with reoccurring bloody noses. i get one most everyday and when i say bleed, i mean BLEED! i've been having them for the past, oh, month or so. i used to get them and i know what it means... however, i'm hoping it'll pass. along with the headaches and noises and voices(wink wink).

there we have it, sorta.

f.y.i.
nuts: don't care for 'em
chocolate: don't like it
coffee: would rather do without
peanut m&m's: i LOVE the red's and blue's
moca frapp's: LOVE 'em

bizarre

Topic: cryptic writings
START TRANSMISSION -

heavy head wades so deep.deep.. .DEEP.
plastic eyeballs.
..... .. plastic face.
.............. .. plastic ways make neat for display.
true.not uncommon.LIES
puke.puke.. dum dumb duh.
longer.lighter.leather face and itching skin...
.. . .beneath is scars....
. . .. . .. a scar we cover... ..
. . .to undercover the blanket and find rats beneath the boy who died.dead.gone.forgotten.good riddance.
to seek
and use
to stare
and fake a death infront of a thousand bleeding hearts?
THIEF

underwires snag.tear mine
echo. echo.echoechoecoechoechoechoo o o oo o ooo o
down
... .. down
. .. ... ............ .down
strawberry hills
grass still as green
the dogs are all still shedding
laughter is gone yet it grows- louder
misfit days: yesturdays-todays-tomorrows
cancer black and it knows... .. .
happiest days
aand goooooooodd moooooooooourning
suunshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhiiiine.

we love her so
so so
so
so
so
so say your sorry or so help me!

- END TRANSMISSION