sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful tripp
Mood:  not sure
i'm searching for something and i'm afraid i'll never find it. you see, what exactly i'm in search of is something i KNOW i'll never know. it's rather complicated and jumbles my thoughts, ideas and memories when i try to figure out just what it is... what i'm looking for. it's not like soul searching, no no, i've done that and quite frankly, i'm not very impressed or enthusiastic about what i've found. so, i guess i'm searching for something which can't be found, and this glass once full of hope is just.about.dry.

i've been diagnosed as bi-polar type II, well, just about going on 5 years ago. i started out on and went through about 4 different antidepressants until it had come to the conclusion that i wasn't just depressed, no, but bi-polar. you see, the antidepressant only made my manic states even higher and more manic. so, the final decision was to put me on a steady diet of an antidepressant, mood stabilizer and an antipsychotic... of which the later i only took for the period of a week or so, to help with the episodes. as you might gather, i was pretty far off.

fast forward to today: i haven't taken anything and thought that i was finally "over" whatever it was that i "had", for about 3 years and running. i felt that i was capable of controlling myself and emotions, however, it is becoming INCREASINGLY more and more difficult this past year. to offset this i try to work as much as i can to keep my mind and thoughts from catching up and telling me lies and half truths. with the rapid pace of productivity at work i have no time with my own thoughts and the sickness doesn't seep in very much... just a trickle here and there. i don't, well i try not to drink that much anymore because of my daughters.. so i guess work has now become my crutch. without the meds i would drink, without the drink i must work.. work, work, work. with more than 2 or 3 days off i am a wreck of a person... it's rather sad i suppose.

CRAP!!!!
i totally lost track and all sense of purpose of this post... what started out isn't what it became.
oh yes... here it is. i enjoyed the sense of stabilty that the meds provided yet i didn't. the range of my emotional was sharply cut down. looking back, i almost, almost felt like i was in a different cage, another cage. maybe that's why i'm weary of going back on the meds. both, who i am now and who i become on medication, are VERY scary places for me.

i rarely do the following now: write poems, lyrics, music, draw, paint, play with my kids, spend time with my wife, have friends, talk to my family, etc..
however, when i do, it becomes so VERY enjoyable and means sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo very much to me. when i DO write music, poems or draw i think i use the state of mind i'm in and all the pent up emotion to better whatever i'm doing... maybe just like brian wilson did. hmmmmmm, reminds me of a song.

anyways.. what going on with tripod and all this reconfiguring? i made a post yesturday afternoon and it shows that i did but there is NO post for wednessday. it also shows i had 17 posts and i only count 16, not including this one.

interesting.
pathetic.
silent.

........................ ...... .. . . . . .