Mood:

i've been thinking about this for awhile now... you know, the emptiness i feel inside and the desire to be left as alone as i feel.
TODAY: i am startled because i can feel my heart like it's another entity inside me, like a stranger. i feel each and every beat and pulse like if some one was pounding on the outside of my chest. like someone was pounding my chest and it was about to cave in. it feels warm and my stomach feels as empty as the world in my eyes. i don't think i feel nervious or anxious however, i am, as usual, kinda annoyed and stressed about everything and nothing at all.
could all this be what is anxiety? i don't know that i am anxious about anything. i just don't know. i know that while watching the butterfly effect last nite i actually came to tears about 60 or more times. . . .for most of the movie anyway.. and the directors ending. . man, it tore me up, i just lost it.
my head is full of noise and sometimes, no, lately i can't trust all of what i think i see and hear. i'm not exactly sure when i'm dreaming and when i'm not. i find myself thinking that i did something or heard something clearly, only to find out they never happened.... but it was sooooooooooooo real.
maybe i just need rest....
oh, as far as "the program" for my weight loss? i believe that i now weigh around 2oolbs now. my belly is now fading away and i notice a slight reduction in my face. now, only 20 more pounds to go.
so so very tired. my eyes burn.
lack of control by no one in particular
at 7:31 PM PDT