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life is killing me
Friday, 27 November 2020
Somewhat dysfunctional = me = i = destruction
Mood:  down

woke up upon a cold sweat at 230am!

from then on, i couldn't catch my breathe and the pain of a hot red iron pick was shoving its way through my left eye. it was searing through the back and through my brain. i haven't had a migraine like this in forever. i couldn't go back to sleep, the feeling of heat and misery plagued me through the night. 

so, visions raced in my mind... did i shower?  did i need to shower? could anyone hear me as the spike went through my brain? did i imagine this all or was i  dreaming i spoke out about it?

will this pain now drift away or down now to the deep pit of my stomach?


lack of control by no one in particular at 1:20 PM PST
Updated: Friday, 27 November 2020 1:21 PM PST
Wednesday, 25 November 2020
Kinda just like this
Now Playing: Nine Inch Nails

Yes, something just like this.  Holidays make me happy and ill at the same time. All i really want is some jack daniel's and that warm feeling from within and the pain to drift away. Even for just one minute. 

No food. Just whiskey and the smooth burn it provides 



lack of control by no one in particular at 8:44 PM PST
Updated: Wednesday, 25 November 2020 8:46 PM PST
Tuesday, 24 November 2020
Another round of things i 🖤
Mood:  hug me
Topic: the things i love

It's been, well, sometime since the last time go round.

No one has been really listening of reading this. Oh well, its not for anyone anyway.

In no order...

i love walking in the rain

i love listening to the rain hit and tap repeatedly on my windows 

i love jumping in puddles

i love listening to old tunes that i used to listen to but with good headphones 🎧  and hearing them in new and fascinating ways

i love sleeping with the fan on

i love that i am kind of living out a dream... as im living next to a cemetery! its right behind my condo... though not nearly enough tombstones above ground for my liking

i love falling asleep to dark wave goth tinged music. dark. black. drowns out the voices

i love forgetting to take my meds, the voices inside remind me what i used to see and feel

 i love if i could be in all black ⚫  ... black shirt, black pants, black socks, pirch black shoes .. maybe with a red tie 


until i find more time... and things to love 

lack of control by no one in particular at 10:09 PM PST
Updated: Wednesday, 25 November 2020 9:55 PM PST
Monday, 23 November 2020
Again. why... am i here?
Mood:  not sure

This is how 🤔 i 🖤 

far from anything i ever wanted to be. i once thought of the person I could have sworn i was supposed to be. It turned out to be something else. im not a narrasist, my traits though, would at times make it seem that way, though, however misleading.


 i have found that the unmedicated version of my could be awe inspiring and comfortable. that version wore his heart on his sleeve and felt everything, EVERYTHING! all that was warm, thick and obsessed. pale and black 🔳 🔲  and devoid of space and time. it was there that everything and nothing flourished.  simpler times, fond times.


i lost control. completely. unhinged and afraid 😨 voices, sight.

 Until again.... 


lack of control by no one in particular at 8:24 AM PST
Updated: Monday, 23 November 2020 11:15 PM PST
Sunday, 22 November 2020
I am here again. Why?
Mood:  don't ask

i discovered my login to this blog. Discovered i created this tripod site 11 Jun 2004.


 That time in my life was different. Seems far away and also not that long ago. i penned most of what this space was from a computer tower and screen. Taking time to divulge things I'd 😌  never speak of.

i followed the path of an un medicated me. The naive person that i was. In a land of make believe.


Now.... all I ask... I why am I here again

lack of control by no one in particular at 7:50 PM PST
Updated: Tuesday, 24 November 2020 9:47 AM PST
Tuesday, 2 February 2016
Cryptic Transmissions_OPERATIONAL
Topic: cryptic writings

regain transmission ....  


Another day appears. ..

Yet still, I'm not.

The gaze surprises none. Am i all that i am?



.... welcome to the fun zone. ...


Welcome back


.... .. end. ..

... traNsmiSsion  .... 

lack of control by no one in particular at 10:32 PM PST
Updated: Tuesday, 2 February 2016 10:35 PM PST
Tuesday, 26 April 2005

Topic: cryptic writings

my eyes...... .
. .. the scent and the thick covered/// LIES
bluRRrrring reaLity.
the crutch.
the lonliness.
the devestation.
the devoured.
the rebuttle.
glimpse of a promise, nose triffed and trampled.
bleeding hearts and a cracked smile..
. the taste of metal. ..
. almost enough//// / and never ending.

over and over and over and over and over and over...
i/////WE/ ///// / / //// /// do it to mY/our slevVes
. .


lack of control by no one in particular at 5:07 PM PDT
Updated: Friday, 29 April 2005 4:04 PM PDT
Friday, 15 April 2005

lack of control by no one in particular at 5:03 PM PDT
Sunday, 3 April 2005
meat beat me by the bay
Now Playing: 6yearsgone - godchildren
further down the rabbit hole.. ..

no pills. .. just my face.

lack of control by no one in particular at 6:39 PM PST
Wednesday, 30 March 2005
more more MORE!!
Mood:  suave
Now Playing: pitchshifter - www.pitchshifter.com
my my. another post.
if disfunction is a function then i must be some kind of genius.

now. ...
7 more photos uploaded to the many faces of the insane

take a look, leave a comment. i could use the abuse!

say what you mean and mean what you say.

lack of control by no one in particular at 3:47 PM PST
Monday, 28 March 2005
a 1st!!!!
Mood:  spacey
Now Playing: garbage - garbage
hell-o hell-o hell-o

well folk. i am extremely tired (18 days till inventory and 3 hours till i go back to work). ... but i stayed up so i could provide something new for some of you.. . .you know who you are....
you love me, then break my heart and laugh. ... well laugh no more!

.. .. or alot.

BEHOLD !!! !.. .. there is no mirror .. ... .

lack of control by no one in particular at 4:00 PM PST
Thursday, 24 March 2005
post one hundredand1
Now Playing: orbital - in sides

lack of control by no one in particular at 2:57 PM PST
Tuesday, 22 March 2005
did i mention this before?
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: scum of the earth - blah...blah...blah... love songs for the new millennium
GREAT band... riggs from rob zombie, mike tempesta from pm5k with some drums by john tempesta AND john dolmayan from system of a down. SWEET!!! offical site

that's not what this post is about. This loong overdue post is about another DAMN coldsoar... on my bottom lip this time. DAMNIT!!!

i hate it....
. .. go away. .!!

lack of control by no one in particular at 8:03 PM PST
Thursday, 17 March 2005

lack of control by no one in particular at 10:40 AM PST
Sunday, 13 March 2005
YEA!! ! oh. .. um. .. no.
Mood:  irritated
my back is tired and my throat is dry. kinda sleepy. life is kinda at a slooooooooooooooow pace, has been for awhile. think i'll shut my eyes and drift off... will i return? ?? ??? duh, of course... i was only asleep.


lack of control by no one in particular at 11:14 AM PST
Friday, 4 March 2005
board dumb
Mood:  hungry
Now Playing: prince - purple rain
there is no purpose of this post other than i am tired and have nothing better to do.

i'd try to muster up something insightful or thought provoking but the point would be mute.

there is little rest for the wicked and the devil loves idle hands.....
.. ... ... whatever!

i need a good couple days off coupled with a couple of good hard drinking binge.
. ..
.. and an in-n-out burger.
ok.... .

lack of control by no one in particular at 5:44 PM PST
Wednesday, 2 March 2005
words 42/43/44
within the creases of my mind...
black /sharp/jagged.. !@1.. .
i learn to lose control

.. ... .. i make the time
.. .. . i make up the lies and break the back of all those who learned to love, though now... .. LOATHE

beauty in blood.slow motion daydream

it swirls and burns then goes cold. ccold as my thoughts and desires... .. am i/am i not? ?? !?#
if i tried again would it prove fruitful?? ??
// // /// or is the pain of it all/all that i chose to be?

pills/drink/crash/splat/gas/rope/belt/stab/slice/choke/break .. . ...
or perhaps a liquid organ cleanser?
i like to lose myself in myself in the music of dark/alone. to miss me is to be me. a longing for something that is undeniably nothing. what is it??? NOTHING! just the spinning of wheels, grinding of gears... the well oiled machine now, again, drying up.


a rhyme with no reason a question with no answer.
... open my chest and take out my heart....
. ... . . the messages say you could borrow my soul.. . i think it ignores me sometimes... or is it that which make me lose all/and give up?


lack of control by no one in particular at 11:22 AM PST
Saturday, 26 February 2005
the obviously redundant. . .i think?
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: hawthorne heights - the silence in black and white
is it me?

or do certain people.. for no apparent reason, just PISS you off and irritate the hell out of you. i mean, that is to say... for no reason at all. i just can't seem to get these few people from under my skin... and i try, believe me, i do try. it just seems that the more i try to ignore and suppress the fact i can't stand these people, for no reason, it make me grow even more agitated.

it kills me.
really... it does.

it's not that i haven't confronted these people, sometimes often, however... man! they really just kill me! make my head all jumbled in a bad way and i hate it. i try to focus on myself and my objectives and goal but then BLAM! they they go and with their stupid grins and arrogance.

ahhhh. ..i'd like to say that make me feel better but it only makes me feel worse. kinda like the people i see that i know aren't really there.

hee hee.


lack of control by no one in particular at 7:33 PM PST
Thursday, 24 February 2005
ahhhh, yes. those little darlings
Now Playing: zeromancer - clone your lover
well, here's NOTHING so far.
i will be uploading new pictures as i get them scanned... you'll find the link below.. or, in the future... under the personal perspective links to the left.

be prepared to sheild your eyes within the next week!

the many faces of insane

lack of control by no one in particular at 8:18 PM PST
sorry to say
Topic: the artist within?
(c'mon c'mon) x2

it's in the way that you move
giving me up in the end
it's like a total loss in control
and you felt...
dead my friend

(c'mon c'mon) x2

it's the shine that's in your eye
like a blanket on the stars
then there nothing left to prove
because your really dead inside

(c'mon c'mon)
it's right now, right now
(c'mon c'mon)
why aren't you breathing
(c'mon c'mon)
i can't bear to
(c'mon c'mon)
then suddenly you stopped

i like the feeling from inside
i can feel it pulling you away
can you hear me from inside
or have you run away
it's like the turning in your mind
and the cloudy pitch black skies
i think i finally know the answers
i'm the one who's dead inside

(c'mon c'mon)
it's right now, right now
(c'mon c'mon)
why aren't you breathing
(c'mon c'mon)
i can't bear to
(c'mon c'mon)
then suddenly you stopped

lack of control by no one in particular at 6:33 PM PST
Updated: Friday, 25 February 2005 3:43 PM PST

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