why bother
Mood:  down
Topic: the artist within?

if i could find a way to make you stay

would you be with me till the end of days

to see inside of my wicked mind

plays tricks on me like i'm dead inside

but you could come play with my friends

they are with me aways to the bitter end

can't see them now they always hide

they whisper things like i'm dead inside

 

so please give me pills

so please give me pills

i look for love but they give me chills

please give me pills 

Nothing is persistent as time
Mood:  don't ask
Topic: the artist within?

"My life is a black heart thats gone to sleep"

You whisper so softly that I'm incomplete

Its soft and its faded like a cast away

So bring me vengeance life's a masquerade

 

So go

Let out the screams

And go

No ones listening

Next fool

In the mirror is me

So break

We are fast asleep  

 

 

On the way down

Emoods. i  🖤  this app. makes tracking my moods... which may not be what i thought. seems that i am again cycling 🤔 as i track my moods daily.

 

cold chills fill me up

rot and decay flood my dreams

the dead call to me but no ones home 

 

 

Somewhat dysfunctional = me = i = destruction
Mood:  down

woke up upon a cold sweat at 230am!

from then on, i couldn't catch my breathe and the pain of a hot red iron pick was shoving its way through my left eye. it was searing through the back and through my brain. i haven't had a migraine like this in forever. i couldn't go back to sleep, the feeling of heat and misery plagued me through the night. 

so, visions raced in my mind... did i shower?  did i need to shower? could anyone hear me as the spike went through my brain? did i imagine this all or was i  dreaming i spoke out about it?

will this pain now drift away or down now to the deep pit of my stomach?

 

Kinda just like this
Now Playing: Nine Inch Nails

Yes, something just like this.  Holidays make me happy and ill at the same time. All i really want is some jack daniel's and that warm feeling from within and the pain to drift away. Even for just one minute. 

No food. Just whiskey and the smooth burn it provides 

 

https://youtu.be/5vbLOEzgr4Y

Another round of things i 🖤
Mood:  hug me
Topic: the things i love

It's been, well, sometime since the last time go round.

No one has been really listening of reading this. Oh well, its not for anyone anyway.

In no order...

i love walking in the rain

i love listening to the rain hit and tap repeatedly on my windows 

i love jumping in puddles

i love listening to old tunes that i used to listen to but with good headphones 🎧  and hearing them in new and fascinating ways

i love sleeping with the fan on

i love that i am kind of living out a dream... as im living next to a cemetery! its right behind my condo... though not nearly enough tombstones above ground for my liking

i love falling asleep to dark wave goth tinged music. dark. black. drowns out the voices

i love forgetting to take my meds, the voices inside remind me what i used to see and feel

 i love if i could be in all black ⚫  ... black shirt, black pants, black socks, pirch black shoes .. maybe with a red tie 

 

until i find more time... and things to love 

Again. why... am i here?
Mood:  not sure

This is how 🤔 i 🖤 

far from anything i ever wanted to be. i once thought of the person I could have sworn i was supposed to be. It turned out to be something else. im not a narrasist, my traits though, would at times make it seem that way, though, however misleading.

Rather

 i have found that the unmedicated version of my could be awe inspiring and comfortable. that version wore his heart on his sleeve and felt everything, EVERYTHING! all that was warm, thick and obsessed. pale and black 🔳 🔲  and devoid of space and time. it was there that everything and nothing flourished.  simpler times, fond times.

Reality

i lost control. completely. unhinged and afraid 😨 voices, sight.

 Until again.... 

 

I am here again. Why?
Mood:  don't ask

i discovered my login to this blog. Discovered i created this tripod site 11 Jun 2004.

 

 That time in my life was different. Seems far away and also not that long ago. i penned most of what this space was from a computer tower and screen. Taking time to divulge things I'd 😌  never speak of.

i followed the path of an un medicated me. The naive person that i was. In a land of make believe.

 

Now.... all I ask... I why am I here again

Cryptic Transmissions_OPERATIONAL
Topic: cryptic writings

regain transmission ....  

 

Another day appears. ..

Yet still, I'm not.

The gaze surprises none. Am i all that i am?

Regress.

 

.... welcome to the fun zone. ...

 

Welcome back

 

.... .. end. ..

... traNsmiSsion  .... 

Topic: cryptic writings
START TRANSMISSION -

my eyes...... .
. .. the scent and the thick covered/// LIES
bluRRrrring reaLity.
.
...
.
the crutch.
the lonliness.
the devestation.
the devoured.
the rebuttle.
.
...
glimpse of a promise, nose triffed and trampled.
bleeding hearts and a cracked smile..
..
. the taste of metal. ..
...
. almost enough//// / and never ending.

over and over and over and over and over and over...
.........
.
....
..
..
.
...
..
.
.
.
i/////WE/ ///// / / //// /// do it to mY/our slevVes
. .
.

- END TRANSMISSION

meat beat me by the bay
Now Playing: 6yearsgone - godchildren
further down the rabbit hole.. ..




no pills. .. just my face.

more more MORE!!
Mood:  suave
Now Playing: pitchshifter - www.pitchshifter.com
my my. another post.
if disfunction is a function then i must be some kind of genius.

now. ...
7 more photos uploaded to the many faces of the insane

take a look, leave a comment. i could use the abuse!

say what you mean and mean what you say.

a 1st!!!!
Mood:  spacey
Now Playing: garbage - garbage
hell-o hell-o hell-o

well folk. i am extremely tired (18 days till inventory and 3 hours till i go back to work). ... but i stayed up so i could provide something new for some of you.. . .you know who you are....
you love me, then break my heart and laugh. ... well laugh no more!

.. .. or alot.

BEHOLD !!! !.. .. there is no mirror .. ... .

post one hundredand1
Now Playing: orbital - in sides

did i mention this before?
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: scum of the earth - blah...blah...blah... love songs for the new millennium
GREAT band... riggs from rob zombie, mike tempesta from pm5k with some drums by john tempesta AND john dolmayan from system of a down. SWEET!!! offical site

that's not what this post is about. This loong overdue post is about another DAMN coldsoar... on my bottom lip this time. DAMNIT!!!

i hate it....
. .. go away. .!!

YEA!! ! oh. .. um. .. no.
Mood:  irritated
my back is tired and my throat is dry. kinda sleepy. life is kinda at a slooooooooooooooow pace, has been for awhile. think i'll shut my eyes and drift off... will i return? ?? ??? duh, of course... i was only asleep.

ROCK ON!

board dumb
Mood:  hungry
Now Playing: prince - purple rain
there is no purpose of this post other than i am tired and have nothing better to do.

i'd try to muster up something insightful or thought provoking but the point would be mute.

there is little rest for the wicked and the devil loves idle hands.....
.. ... ... whatever!

i need a good couple days off coupled with a couple of good hard drinking binge.
. ..
.. and an in-n-out burger.
...
.
yes.
ok.... .
..
.

words 42/43/44
within the creases of my mind...
black /sharp/jagged.. !@1.. .
i learn to lose control

.. ... .. i make the time
.. .. . i make up the lies and break the back of all those who learned to love, though now... .. LOATHE

beauty in blood.slow motion daydream

it swirls and burns then goes cold. ccold as my thoughts and desires... .. am i/am i not? ?? !?#
if i tried again would it prove fruitful?? ??
// // /// or is the pain of it all/all that i chose to be?

pills/drink/crash/splat/gas/rope/belt/stab/slice/choke/break .. . ...
or perhaps a liquid organ cleanser?
i like to lose myself in myself in the music of dark/alone. to miss me is to be me. a longing for something that is undeniably nothing. what is it??? NOTHING! just the spinning of wheels, grinding of gears... the well oiled machine now, again, drying up.

vapor

a rhyme with no reason a question with no answer.
... open my chest and take out my heart....
. ... . . the messages say you could borrow my soul.. . i think it ignores me sometimes... or is it that which make me lose all/and give up?

overandoverandoverandoverandoverandoveragain